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As We Continue to Evolve Our Relationships Will Improve (Part 1 / 2)

(Part 2, Partnering up Consciously ⁄ Separating Consciously is found on link below).

Relationships are the vehicle that best allow us work out our issues – our pains, fears, reactionary styles, protective devices and all other unconscious influences that keep us from feeling peaceful, living in harmony with others, and becoming our Best Self.

This is especially true in our familial relationships – and in particular with our significant others.

Often we are drawn to one another so that we get together to love, help, support each other in life, to work through our unconscious influences, and/or to play out what our soul contracts dictate.

Issues that come out in our relationships are opportunities to work through them. This is always a good thing and in doing so we grow spiritually. So working towards healing a relationship is most often recommended.

However, sometimes the chemistry people feel with each other does not necessarily have to end in a long or even short-term relationship.

A heart connection with a strong chemical attraction may be a left-over energetic pull from a past-life association. We may have an unfinished lesson to learn with the other and we are only to get together for a time (a reason or a season), learn the lesson, and then move on.

It may also be that we are not meant to act on the connection we feel, and the lesson to learn through the energetic pull we feel towards the other is to rise above the chemistry and use discretion in choosing a partner.

Relationships create emotional entanglements and the unraveling from those based in neediness or left-over energetic pulls that hold drama usually carry unpleasantness and emotional pain.

As the effects of this Shift continue to encourage us to find joy, a lightness in life, and release our unconscious influences, all aspects of our relationships will improve. Current relationships will become healthier, as the conflicts that have their roots in seriousness, neediness, Perceived Needs, Hidden Agendas, and Protective Mechanism will begin to dissolve.

As we start to become more mindful, those of us entering into new relationships will choose our partners more consciously. We will feel empowered enough to seek out people whose character, lifestyle, and values complement and align with ours.

These pairings will have many less conflicts than those based in neediness and unconscious influences, but when conflicts do arise they will be resolved with calmness and integrity.

Children will benefit greatly from these attitudes. Many young parents today are already parenting consciously and embrace many of the concepts in Shefali Tsabary’s ground-breaking book, The Conscious Parent.

This article/blog post is an excerpt from chapter 5, “Relationships” in my book Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and  Science.  The chapter titles are listed in the “Book Synopsis” of this website found here 

– Rosemary McCarthy © , January 2018

Link to Part 2, Partnering up Consciously ⁄ Separating Consciously is found here  

Click here for my blog page with many articles on our personal, collective, and planetary journeys to peace.

Available in print and e-book formats, click here to be directed to links to various booksellers, like Amazon, Chapters (Canada) erc.

To sign up for my newsletter, email me at rosemary@yourjourneytopeaee.com 

Click here to read the January issue. 

Click here to read the February issue. 

If you appreciate this article, I invite you to leave a review on the book’s website found here or on its Face Book page found here 

You can share this article as long as you include the full copyright message below. If you share through Facebook (a link is below), the message will automatically copy.

———————–

Copyright © 2018 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. To copy, share, or distribute this post simply ensure the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can contact me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.comBlessings and thank you kindly. Rosemary.

Relationships: The Cavern between “You and Others” Is in Direct Relationship to the Cavern between “You and You”

The hurts or conflicts that arise in our relationships are mostly due to unconscious influences that run our lives. I say mostly, because for some, conflicts within our relationships are due to a mismatch, or it has served its purpose and we are meant to take our cues and move on.

For others, conflicts arise because the relationship needs to shift and change to meet new circumstances, or one of the individuals is making life-altering changes that affects the relationship.

When we do not heed the signals and make the necessary adjustments, compromises, do a bit or self-reflection, or seek help for a relationship that is in throws of changes, the hurts and conflicts will continue and worsen and both parties suffer unnecessarily.

Sometimes a relationship even ends that could be saved and a family kept intact because of the inability of one or both or parties to face his or her part of its breakdown. Except for when the relationship has played out and is intended to end, we are meant to work through our hurts and conflicts with those in our lives.

One of the higher purposes of relationships, whether it be with a life-partner, a sibling, a parent-child or child-parent bond, an extended family member, a friend, or even a long-term working partnership, is for the unconscious influences of both parties to the surface – for healing.

And except for the rare occasion where one party feels empowered in life and is the “light-holder” and stabilizer to the other as they work through a huge misalignment from their power base and feel and act within the confines of disempowerment, both in the relationship are usually misaligned to the same degree. These misalignments would not necessarily show up in the same way, but the degree of misalignment would be similar.

Feeling empowered in life comes from being connected to our power base, which comes from a strong connection to our True Self – of “us-to-us.” (True Self is defined below, and I used the term as synonymous with Source energy, Spirit, higher Self, God, etc.).

This connection gives us our confidence allowing us to reach for what we want in life, while doing so with integrity. We are able to become our Best Self.

Law of Expansion - Universal Law 6 (of 6)

When this connection is strong, we don’t allow people to push their neediness onto us, take advantage of us, or emotionally manipulate us. Nor do we get unnecessarily involved in their dramas.

When we feel disempowered in life we are disconnected from our power base and our connection to our True Self – of “us-to-us” is weak.

This lack of connection breeds low self-confidence and we have trouble reaching for or achieving what we want in life and what makes us happy.

Having a low confidence level, we may be indecisive, lack the courage to take risks and make things happen, and we may even undermine our efforts by making bad choices or backing away from opportunities.

We often feel at the beck and call of others and circumstances. This all frustrates us, makes us lash out at those around us, which further distances us from our True Self.

As we take things personally, we often feel hurt by others’ words, actions, or inactions. We then either blame them for our unhappiness creating conflict in the relationship, or we internalize the feelings creating more inner-turmoil.

We all navigate life differently, and differences are a natural and healthy part of normal relationships. Hurts and conflicts arise because we can’t accept the other’s different ways of going about life  and/or respect their differing opinions.

The expectations we bring into our relationship also have a major impact on whether our relationship with be harmonious or filled with chaos.

When our connection to our True Self is strong we can easily deal with the different way the other approaches life and our expectations from the relationship are reasonable and above-board.

However, when our connection to our True Self is weak and the other’s personality or way of dealing with life is different than ours we often internalize this as an affront, and conflicts ensue.

Attempting to make up for the weak connection to our True Self we also bring unconscious expectations into our relationships assuming the other will fill that void. When they don’t, we feel hurt, disappointed, and become disillusioned with the relationship.

These negative and unrealistic ways of dealing with others (and situations) come from unconscious influences we created at some point in our lives that play out in our attitudes and behaviors.

These unconscious influences affect our connection to our True Self. Our attitudes and behaviors develop in response to how we experienced or perceived life from within our familial and cultural backgrounds – with our internalizing of these experiences highly influenced by our innate personalities.

This is why people brought up in the same household can be so different in their outlook and approach to life. If the influences we internalized instilled confidence, hope, positivity, autonomy, and lightness into our being, our connection to our True Self would remain strong.

However, if we unknowingly allowed these influences to cause us to become negative, pessimistic, or needy, to have low-self esteem or feel that life is heavy and a struggle, our connection to our True Self becomes weakened.

When we internalized our past influences as generally positive, we are able to navigate life without much difficulty or conflict. We can attain what we want in life because we feel empowered, as the connection to our power-base has remained strong.

When our past influences cause us to view and respond to life negatively, we may act in counterproductive ways that undermine our efforts and that create conflict with others. This makes our life seem difficult and what we want in life hard to achieve because we feel disempowered: our connection is weak.

This disconnect creates a cavern between “us and us” as our power-base lies in our connection to our True Self.  It is where we find the strength and integrity to become our Best Self, and the fortitude to keep it.

Below are some of the developed attitudes and behaviors that keep us disconnected from our power-base and True Self making life seem difficult and keeping us in conflict with others:

NEEDINESS

We often bring our emotional neediness into our relationships, but are unaware that we are expecting our partner, child, parent, or friend to answer those needs. When they do not, we are hurt, become upset, and conflict often ensues.

Our need may be personal: to feel loved, appreciated, validated, or served hand and foot. They may be more general: to become wealthy, powerful, famous, achieve a great success, or have a big happy family.

It is not that these desires always bring negative results to our life or relationships, as having goals and desires can be a good thing, but when they come from an unconscious need to fill a void or fulfill and unmet past need, they hold an insatiable element.

We become self-centered as this need is most often at the forefront of our thoughts and actions and it takes precedence over any consideration for the desires or needs of those around us.

We also become defensive of our efforts to fulfill our perceived need, and blind to another’s attempts to compromise or work with us toward a favorable outcome for both. We are difficult to deal with and conflict in the relationship is inevitable.

RESPONSIVENESS

We all have a Default Position: it can be Neutral, Reactionary, or Passive. (Definition of Default Position below)

Neutral Responses:

Neutral responses come from feeling empowered. When we respond to others or situations neutrally, we respond to the matter at hand, do so calmly, and without a need to defend our positions.

We do not react emotionally because we do not bring in issues from the past, nor thoughts or fears of the future – which all hold an emotional component.

We can still disagree and say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done, but we do so respectfully, and with honesty and integrity. We come from a place of confidence and empowerment – of gentle strength, not weakness and aggressiveness.

Our connection to our power-base and True Self is strong so we are emotionally balanced, therefore we don’t feel the need to address how others act, or respond to what they say or do aggressively, because we don’t take things personally. And we are strong in our own convictions, so we don’t have the need to defend our positions.

Reactionary Responses:

When we react to others or situations aggressively, are defensive, or throw blame around, we are projecting our hurts, disappointments, or expectations upon the other or the situation.

We feel that what they said or did was an affront to us. We might perceive someone voicing an opinion as them criticizing us, when they are simply conveying how they feel about something.

When someone cuts us off in traffic we may feel they are doing it to us, whereas the other person is simply attempting to get to where they need to go, albeit in an inappropriate way.

Others’ attitudes or actions are no reflection on us, and allowing them to disturb us or cause us to react strongly is counterproductive to our peace of mind.

When a loved one is late or misses a date we had made together and we are hurt and feel they do not love or appreciate us we are taking it personally – when it likely had nothing to do with us. They may have simply been extra busy at work, been unavoidably delayed, or had a lot on their mind and forgot.

Passive Responses:

Passive responses come from feeling disempowered. Although passive responses may appear to be neutral, as there are no blatant outward signs, they are very different because passive responses hold an emotional component – just like aggressive ones.

Sometimes the hurts, feelings, disappointments, or perceived injustices are not voiced at all, while at other times they are, but are tinged with so much emotion and/or neediness that the other individual turns a blind ear.

In both cases, we are not heard. Either way, the emotions are internalized affecting both the individual and the relationship. These internalizations harm us because buried emotions add another layer to the cavern between “us and us,” and our connection to our True Self is further weakened.

Passive responses harm the relationship because as our true feelings are not voiced (or heard) we have not addressed the hurt or disappointment we feel, and we remain inwardly angry towards the other for not understanding or taking into consideration our feelings, or seeing our viewpoint.

And if we are do try to make our self heard but are ineffective, before we approach the subject again, reflecting on our approach last time and possibly adjusting it could help getting heard this time.

We can ask ourselves:

  • Are we being needy – only thinking about our needs and perspective?
  • Are we negative – only focusing on what is wrong?
  • Are we overly emotional – crying at any perceived slight or criticism?

Could we be acting passive aggressively – signing or putting on a sad face rather than sharing our thoughts or feelings?

Whether we elect these attitudes because we don’t like to speak our mind, are unable to articulate or feel embarrassed by what we feel, or are simply trying to keep the peace against an aggressive person, passive attitudes do not bring long term solutions.

Not only is the issue not addressed or resolved, but the approach may even backfire, as buried feelings come out – one way or another – and may one day cause a major blow-up from where there is not turning back.

Passive responses create and increase the cavern between “us-and-another,” because until we address and resolve the issue with them that caused the feelings we buried, each future interaction is tainted. Hurts remain at the forefront of our emotions and any new or positive communication has to work hard to get through them.

We can certainly live happy and fulfilling lives without being completely in touch with our True Self, are enlightened, or fully aligned to Source. In fact, most of us do.

Very few of us are completely connected, so most of us are somewhat misaligned, and these show up in many ways and in many degrees. This is why some hurt and conflict exists in most relationships.

Nonetheless, if we navigate the conflicts that arise with compromise and compassion, keep our disparaging emotions at bay, forgive how the other’s misalignments show up, and accept their idiosyncrasies, we can easily live a harmonious life.

It helps to be aware of our unconscious influences, or at least make peace with how our misalignments show up, otherwise there will always be the cavern between “us-and-us” as we are not living close enough to our core – we are living superficially, with no connection to the truth of who we are.

This causes us to relate superficially to others. A cavern will always exist between “us-and-others” until we close that gap between “us-and-us.”

 

True Self: The truth or memory of who you really are—free of any unconscious influences. (chapter 1)

Best Self: We are our Best Self when we are aligned with our True Self. This manifests as happiness, acceptance of life and our circumstances, and connection to that part of our self that feels empowered, confident, assured, loving, giving, and emotionally healthy. (chapter 1)

Our Default Position: The reactionary, nonreactionary, or responsive way of dealing with others or situations. We respond with either aggression, passivity, or neutrality. (chapter 1).

This  article/blog post is based on my book, Your Journey to Peace … Book Synopsis is found here.

– © Rosemary McCarthy, March, 2017, updated January 2018

Following the book’s Facebook page ensures you receive new articles/posts as soon they are posted. The link is at the bottom of this page.

Click here for my blog page with many articles on our personal, collective, and planetary journeys to peace.

Available in print and e-book formats, click here to be directed to links to various booksellers, like Amazon, Chapters (Canada) erc.

To sign up for my newsletter, email me at rosemary@yourjourneytopeaee.com 

Click here to read the January issue. 

Click here to read the February issue. 

Click here for the March issue.

If you appreciate this article, I invite you to leave a review on the book’s website found here or on its Face Book page found here 

You can share this article as long as you include the full copyright message below. If you share through Facebook (link is below) the message will automatically copy.

Below is a peek into more in the book:

 Improving our attitudes helps change the world, as every shift in attitude affects the vibration of the Planet as a whole. (Introduction).What Is Held in Our Minds Is Reflected onto the World Stage. (Chapter 1, Why We Are the Way We Are)

Our capacity to love others is in direct relationship to how much we love ourselves. (Chapter 3, What We Can Do About It).

Our Relationships Are Pre-set Soul Contracts: The highest purpose of our relationships is to work out our unconscious influences: our fears, neediness, vulnerabilities, misperceptions, and false notions about love. They are set up to bring these misalignments from our True Self to the surface – for healing. This is why we find our close relationships so difficult.  (Chapter 5, Relationships)

We are not exercising true free will if we live under the tutelage of unconscious influences. (Chapter 6, Words, Symbols, Rituals, Concepts, Prayers).

We can reconcile our apparent relationship with extra-terrestrials with our belief systems. (Chapter 7, Science).

Our planet is a living, breathing organism … and just like us she has to cleanse herself of toxins – the physical and emotional toxins we have put upon her. (Chapter 9, The Planet and Abundance).

At levels beyond our awareness we chose to be here at this time of ‘The Shift’ to help bring about our and Gais’s Ascensions. (Chapter 10, Ascension).

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Copyright © 2017 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. To copy, share, or distribute this article simply ensure the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can contact me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.com. Blessings, and thank you kindly.

Relationships and Our “Love Languages”

This article has been updated. To see newest version, see here.

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We all have differing personalities and ways of navigating life. We all have varying emotional needs. Many of us are sensitive to how others treat and appreciate us and our efforts, and this is especially true in our intimate relationships. None of us are completely free of unconscious influences from our past that affect how we perceive life, and these can make extra sensitive. This shows up as our vulnerabilities, and affects how we perceive what our partner is saying or doing and how we respond to him or her. We may even seem overly needy to our partner if he or she doesn’t understand our vulnerabilities, or if they choose to minimize or brush them off a silly. This is why trust, communication, and creating a “safe haven” for each in the partnership to show the other their fears, emotional barometer, and vulnerabilities is vital. So is being sensitive to our partner’s needs – even if we don’t understand them. We all are somewhat needy for love, as most of us are not fully connected to the love within our True Self, so we all need to feel loved from those close to us.

We all have different ways we express our love to our partner, but we also have different ways we interpret love from our partner. What makes one feel loved, may seem like an empty gesture to another. This is because we all have our own internal way of feeling loved. Part of really showing our love to our partner is understanding and acting in accordance with what Gary Chapman calls our “love language.”(1)

If we were completely aligned to the love within us 100% of the time, we would not need any specific expression of our partner’s (or anyone else’s) love for us. However, as we are not all fully aligned with our True Self and are just doing our best to deal with our inner worlds and their unconscious influences, we need those close to us, and especially our spouse, to express their love to us in ways we can feel it.

In Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, he tells us that learning our partner’s love language is paramount to understanding how to show them our love. Listed below are Chapman’s Five Love Languages. (1)

Love Language 1: Words of Affirmation: We are not often taught to use encouraging, kind, and humble words, so as adults we do not tend to use positive affirmations of love. Complimenting and showing appreciation to a partner who needs to hear love and appreciation voiced is fundamental in communicating our love to them. Receiving positive reinforcements makes them much more willing and motivated to fulfill their partner’s desires.

Love Language 2: Quality Time: For many, togetherness and quality time is vital to feeling loved. Having quality conversations and heartfelt sharing encourages intimacy for them, and listening attentively when he or she speaks from their heart is paramount.

Love Language 3: Receiving Gifts: Gifts are important in relationships because they are tactile and visual symbols of love, particularly if our partner requires physical manifestations as a sign of our love. So bringing them gifts, especially for no reason at all, as well as ensuring we know what they would like as a gift makes them feel loved.

Love Language 4: Acts of Service: The act of being served is how some partners feel loved. Both small and large gestures will please a partner who feels loved by being served. Small gestures like making him or her supper for no reason, keeping their car fueled up and washed, or offering to babysit so our partner can get away with the guys or gals keeps him or her feeling loved and appreciated. He or she will then be able to respond more lovingly.

Love Language 5: Physical Touch: Any act of physical touch will express love to someone who requires touch as an indicator of love. A simple brush as you walk by, a hug or kiss as you leave or come home, or a massage for no particular reason will keep the necessary physical communication open that the other needs. A healthy sex life is paramount to the partner whose love language is touch. (1)

We must also understand that any attempt or gesture to show our love to our partner should be appreciated as such, even when it is in ways that do not fulfill our particular love needs. When living at our highest potentials we would not need any outward signs of our partner’s love for us as we would be getting that from our connection to our True Self. However, since most of us are not there yet and have been programmed to get our love cues from the external, until we find our way back to wholeness it is important to recognize how our partner feels our love. At the same time, we must show appreciation to our partner for any effort he or she makes to show their love and appreciation, no matter how feeble their attempt seems to us.

Endnote

(1) Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 1992), 37–121.

© Rosemary McCarthy, October, 2016

This article is based on and an expansion of the sub-section “Expressing Our Love” within the main section “Making It Work” from chapter 5, Relationships.

You can share this article with others including the © notation below. When you share through Facebook (link is below), it is automatically copied.

Below is a little peak at other concepts discussed the book:

Improving our attitudes helps change the world, as every shift it attitude affects the vibration of the Planet as a whole. (Introduction)

The need to fill a void within ourselves manifests itself in the demands we put on others or in our incessant striving for material possessions and status.  (Chapter 1, Why We Are the Way We Are)

Our capacity to love others is in direct relationship to how much we love ourselves. (Chapter 3, What We Can Do About It)

Our Relationships Are Pre-set Soul Contracts.  We manifest together so that we can help each other in life, but also to work our unconscious influences. (Chapter 5, Relationships)

We are not exercising true free will if we live under the tutelage of unconscious influences. (Chapter 6, Words, Symbols, Rituals, Concepts, Prayers).

We can reconcile our apparent relationship with extra-terrestrials with our belief systems. (Chapter 7, Science).

Our planet is a living, breathing organism … and just like us she has to cleanse herself of toxins – the physical and emotional toxins we have put upon her. (Chapter 9, The Planet and Abundance)

At levels beyond our awareness we chose to be here at this time of ‘The Shift’ to help bring about our and Gais’s Ascensions.  (Chapter 10, Ascension).

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Copyright © 2016 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. You may only copy, share and distribute this article provided that the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can contact me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.com. Blessings.