It’s Not Me–It’s You. It’s Not You–It’s Me. It’s Both. It’s Neither – Newsletter October 2021

When we come from a place of It’s Not Me – It’s You, we project our fears and feelings onto the other.

Ultimately, we are all responsible for the feelings that arise in us. Projecting our feelings back at the other is an attempt to deflect owning our feelings. And rather than get angry, defensive, or blame the other – it is more productive to respond calmly. 

When we come from a place of It’s Not You – It’s Me, we internalize how the other made us feel.

We are also responsible for any feelings we internalize, bury, and hide from the other. And rather than allowing our emotions to stew and later erupt or morph into passive-aggressive attitudes or behaviors, it is more productive to speak up calmly – but confidently.

Later, we can look to understand why we allow another to make us feel bad and how we allow them to treat us in the way they do. (Sign-Up  to receive my Free Monthly Newsletter where I cover a variety of subjects related to our personal development).

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Whether we project or internalize, we take personally what the other said, did, didn’t say, didn’t do, or how they reacted or didn’t react. Don’t take things personally is one of the four agreements from … 

 The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz – My Recommended Book of the Month

When People Disagree or One Feels Hurt, or Gets Disappointed or Disillusioned

?It’s Both of Us: because when issues arise, both are coming from a place of misalignment from love. One is unaware that they are feeling bad because of their misalignment; the other is unaware that they are behaving in hurtful ways that stem from their misalignment.

And …

?It’s Neither of Us: Our true reality is that we are love. However, we are disconnected from that love. So, when issues arise, both are coming from a place of misalignment from that love – unaware that they are simply feeling bad or acting out from that place of misalignment.

With this understanding that It Is Both of Us – and – It Is Neither of Us – and knowing that each is unaware that they are feeling or reacting from this place of misalignment, it is easier to understand and forgive how the other is showing up.

To shift from It’s Not Me–It’s You – or – It’s Not You–It’s Me” – to – “It’s Both – It’s Neither” we must …

? Come from a place of honesty and authenticity within ourselves

? Bring the qualities of love – calmness, compassion, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, and harmony to the other.

And to get there, it helps to …

? Remember that we are all somewhat misaligned from our true reality – from the love we are at our core

? Recognize that you cannot always feel love and are therefore not always able to come from a place of love

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? Rather than hide or deflect your thoughts and feelings, allow them to arise honestly within yourself. And if need be …

? Express how you feel – honestly and calmly to the other – without blame or judgment

?Aim to consciously bring the qualities of love to your dealings with others.

If our default is to blame, judge, or react aggressively or be overly passive (being overly-passive is not loving ourselves), making the shift to being loving to ourselves and others takes time and practice.

A trick I learned when I studied A Course in Miracles that helped me overcome my default and make conscious shifts to come from a place of love was to ask myself: What Would Love Do?

A Course in Miracles is a profound self-study that guides us to see others and life from a place of love. We learn to respond calmly and with fairness, compassion, and acceptance – rather than from the ego’s fear-based thought system with its propensity to blame, judge, and defend. (You can read my associated post, What Would Love Do? by clicking on the above link).

We Are All Somewhat Misaligned from Love – from Our True Reality

 Most of us were not taught that we are misaligned from our essence – from love. It was on my journey of personal development that I learned that it is this misalignment that causes us to act and react in unloving ways – towards ourselves and others.

We are not bad – or wrong. We may act badly, hurt others, or do wrong things,

but we are not bad or wrong at our core. We can repair, but we should never feel ashamed.

We inherited these hurtful and defensive ways of being from eons past.

I learned that once, whether on earth, in another form, or before the big bang, we were “at one with God”– connected to love. At some point, a separation occurred. We became disconnected from that part of ourselves where we were in complete connection to love and automatically expressed love outwards – to everything and everyone.

This disconnect shifted our approach from one of love to one of fear. We went from a me-and-you way of navigating life to one of me-versus-you.

Our connection to love gave us a solid power base that allowed us to express the qualities of love easily – without limitations. We felt empowered.

Fear robbed us of our solid power base. We were disconnected, and we felt disempowered.  As this fear-based way of approaching life played out, fear’s qualities like judgment, blame, anger, shame, greed, competitiveness, protectiveness, defensiveness, small-mindedness, etc.., took hold.

Survival became our main raison d’être, and we pitted ourselves against one another. We were unaware that we were all (perpetrators and victims) influenced by inherited ways from past generations. My quote of the month is from my book, Why We Are the Way We Are

You Cannot Overcome What You Are Unaware of and Unwilling to Look At

Humanity became trapped in these fear-based ways of approaching life, passed on from civilization to civilization. From generation to generation! They became anchored into our DNA – to the point that we were no longer aware that we were living life from an unnatural mindset.

It is Humanity’s evolutionary time to shift out of this mindset and its fear-based ways of being. And it is happening!

As a society, we didn’t know – or were afraid to face that we were holding onto old, outdated ways of being. Society’s tentacles are complex and have a very long reach. Change is scary! The unknown is scary.

As individuals, we haven’t known – or were afraid to face that we were holding onto old, outdated ways of being. Until recently, we didn’t realize that we should – or could change the ways of being and navigating life that we grew up with.

It is scary to look within to our attitudes, thought processes, and behavior patterns – to open the door to realizing that we may have thought or acted in unhelpful and hurtful ways.


Our thought processes and default ways of being are nothing to be ashamed of. We now know that we inherited unhelpful and disempowering ways of being from our past. It is not our fault that we internalize our feelings and feel hurt. Or that we project our feelings and act badly towards others.

This knowledge gives us the assurance that we can look at our default ways of being – without fear or shame. so that we can shift from … It’s Not Me–It’s You / It’s Not You–It’s Me – to – It’s Both / It’s Neither …  because …

… when issues arise, both of us are coming from a place of misalignment from love – inherited from our pasts – and unaware that we are simply feeling bad or acting badly from that place of misalignment.

I wish you a beautiful rest of the Fall.  Stay safe, and warm???

©Rosemary McCarthy, October 25, 2021.

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About My Books: (2 Published Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and Scienceand “Why We Are the Way We Are”  2 Upcoming Overcome Your Unconscious Influences, like Anger Frustration, Hurt Feelings, and Blaming Others for Your Unhappiness” due out early 2022, and “Relationship Intelligence …” – due out late Spring 2022

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