It’s Not Me–It’s You. It’s Not You–It’s Me. It’s Both. It’s Neither – Newsletter October 2021

When we come from a place of It’s Not Me – It’s You, we project our fears and feelings onto the other.

Ultimately, we are all responsible for the feelings that arise in us. Projecting our feelings back at the other is an attempt to deflect owning our feelings. And rather than get angry, defensive, or blame the other – it is more productive to respond calmly. 

When we come from a place of It’s Not You – It’s Me, we internalize how the other made us feel.

We are also responsible for any feelings we internalize, bury, and hide from the other. And rather than allowing our emotions to stew and later erupt or morph into passive-aggressive attitudes or behaviors, it is more productive to speak up calmly – but confidently.

Later, we can look to understand why we allow another to make us feel bad and how we allow them to treat us in the way they do. (Sign-Up  to receive my Free Monthly Newsletter where I cover a variety of subjects related to our personal development).

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Whether we project or internalize, we take personally what the other said, did, didn’t say, didn’t do, or how they reacted or didn’t react. Don’t take things personally is one of the four agreements from … 

 The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz – My Recommended Book of the Month

When People Disagree or One Feels Hurt, or Gets Disappointed or Disillusioned

?It’s Both of Us: because when issues arise, both are coming from a place of misalignment from love. One is unaware that they are feeling bad because of their misalignment; the other is unaware that they are behaving in hurtful ways that stem from their misalignment.

And …

?It’s Neither of Us: Our true reality is that we are love. However, we are disconnected from that love. So, when issues arise, both are coming from a place of misalignment from that love – unaware that they are simply feeling bad or acting out from that place of misalignment.

With this understanding that It Is Both of Us – and – It Is Neither of Us – and knowing that each is unaware that they are feeling or reacting from this place of misalignment, it is easier to understand and forgive how the other is showing up.

To shift from It’s Not Me–It’s You – or – It’s Not You–It’s Me” – to – “It’s Both – It’s Neither” we must …

? Come from a place of honesty and authenticity within ourselves

? Bring the qualities of love – calmness, compassion, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, and harmony to the other.

And to get there, it helps to …

? Remember that we are all somewhat misaligned from our true reality – from the love we are at our core

? Recognize that you cannot always feel love and are therefore not always able to come from a place of love

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? Rather than hide or deflect your thoughts and feelings, allow them to arise honestly within yourself. And if need be …

? Express how you feel – honestly and calmly to the other – without blame or judgment

?Aim to consciously bring the qualities of love to your dealings with others.

If our default is to blame, judge, or react aggressively or be overly passive (being overly-passive is not loving ourselves), making the shift to being loving to ourselves and others takes time and practice.

A trick I learned when I studied A Course in Miracles that helped me overcome my default and make conscious shifts to come from a place of love was to ask myself: What Would Love Do?

A Course in Miracles is a profound self-study that guides us to see others and life from a place of love. We learn to respond calmly and with fairness, compassion, and acceptance – rather than from the ego’s fear-based thought system with its propensity to blame, judge, and defend. (You can read my associated post, What Would Love Do? by clicking on the above link).

We Are All Somewhat Misaligned from Love – from Our True Reality

 Most of us were not taught that we are misaligned from our essence – from love. It was on my journey of personal development that I learned that it is this misalignment that causes us to act and react in unloving ways – towards ourselves and others.

We are not bad – or wrong. We may act badly, hurt others, or do wrong things,

but we are not bad or wrong at our core. We can repair, but we should never feel ashamed.

We inherited these hurtful and defensive ways of being from eons past.

I learned that once, whether on earth, in another form, or before the big bang, we were “at one with God”– connected to love. At some point, a separation occurred. We became disconnected from that part of ourselves where we were in complete connection to love and automatically expressed love outwards – to everything and everyone.

This disconnect shifted our approach from one of love to one of fear. We went from a me-and-you way of navigating life to one of me-versus-you.

Our connection to love gave us a solid power base that allowed us to express the qualities of love easily – without limitations. We felt empowered.

Fear robbed us of our solid power base. We were disconnected, and we felt disempowered.  As this fear-based way of approaching life played out, fear’s qualities like judgment, blame, anger, shame, greed, competitiveness, protectiveness, defensiveness, small-mindedness, etc.., took hold.

Survival became our main raison d’être, and we pitted ourselves against one another. We were unaware that we were all (perpetrators and victims) influenced by inherited ways from past generations. My quote of the month is from my book, Why We Are the Way We Are

You Cannot Overcome What You Are Unaware of and Unwilling to Look At

Humanity became trapped in these fear-based ways of approaching life, passed on from civilization to civilization. From generation to generation! They became anchored into our DNA – to the point that we were no longer aware that we were living life from an unnatural mindset.

It is Humanity’s evolutionary time to shift out of this mindset and its fear-based ways of being. And it is happening!

As a society, we didn’t know – or were afraid to face that we were holding onto old, outdated ways of being. Society’s tentacles are complex and have a very long reach. Change is scary! The unknown is scary.

As individuals, we haven’t known – or were afraid to face that we were holding onto old, outdated ways of being. Until recently, we didn’t realize that we should – or could change the ways of being and navigating life that we grew up with.

It is scary to look within to our attitudes, thought processes, and behavior patterns – to open the door to realizing that we may have thought or acted in unhelpful and hurtful ways.


Our thought processes and default ways of being are nothing to be ashamed of. We now know that we inherited unhelpful and disempowering ways of being from our past. It is not our fault that we internalize our feelings and feel hurt. Or that we project our feelings and act badly towards others.

This knowledge gives us the assurance that we can look at our default ways of being – without fear or shame. so that we can shift from … It’s Not Me–It’s You / It’s Not You–It’s Me – to – It’s Both / It’s Neither …  because …

… when issues arise, both of us are coming from a place of misalignment from love – inherited from our pasts – and unaware that we are simply feeling bad or acting badly from that place of misalignment.

I wish you a beautiful rest of the Fall.  Stay safe, and warm???

©Rosemary McCarthy, October 25, 2021.

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About My Books: (2 Published Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and Scienceand “Why We Are the Way We Are”  2 Upcoming Overcome Your Unconscious Influences, like Anger Frustration, Hurt Feelings, and Blaming Others for Your Unhappiness” due out early 2022, and “Relationship Intelligence …” – due out late Spring 2022

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Copyright© Rosemary McCarthy. October 25, 2021,  All rights Reserved. You may only copy, share and distribute this article provided that the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website  are included. You can contact me at: Blessings, and thank you kindly.?



Staying Calm, Keeping Balanced, Allowing for Reflection

As we start to get back into the swing of Fall activities (at least those of us in the Northern hemisphere are), let us remember to not get so caught up in all the various commitments and/or responsibilities that come along with this time of the year that we become stressed, and forget how uplifting feeling relaxed and “just being” is

Even though we have been forced to slow down this past year and a half and we may have had more time than usual to be reflective, modern life often leads us to ignore the reflective and feeling parts of ourselves.

To be happy and feel good we need to attend to our body, mind, emotions, and spiritual connection. To the subtler parts of our existence.

Humanity’s history has been based on false realities. Of separate motivations grounded in fear, greed, competition – on me-against-you.

Fighting for our survival became paramount in our existence. We were reactive, rather than responsive.

Although today most of us do not have to fight for our physical survival, we have translated this survival mode to one of business – of getting ahead.

And we have maintained the competitiveness and reactive states of that survival mode.

Rather than responding calmly and only addressing what is currently happening, many of us react to others and situations aggressively – often bringing in past issues or unaddressed emotions from our past.

Our business, competitiveness, focus on getting ahead, and our reactive states have left no room to connect to our subtler and reflective natures.

This article/blog post is based on concepts from my books

Your Journey to Peace    and “Why We Are the Way We Are

(Book cover images below)

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When the reflective and feeling parts of ourselves are disregarded, we lead unbalanced lives. We have become disconnected from the subtleties of our True Self.

This can cause us to be discompassionate. Selfish. Unable to see how our attitudes and behaviors affect those around us.

An unbalanced life will derail us from what will ultimately make us happy. It undermines our peace and happiness, and the stress it creates hurts those around us and causes creates conflicts in our relationships. And we are usually in denial that we are behaving in ways that hurt us or those around us.

Links to 2 companion posts are below

One example is workaholics, who spend all their time focusing on success, money, and/or power and leave no time for relaxation, family life, or spiritual growth.

Workaholics are usually unaware or in denial of the consequence of their single-mindedness on themselves and the effects of their pursuits on others.

Or, they may have their eyes wide open and simply not care about anything or anybody else at this point in their lives, which is of course their own choice. They just may have to face the consequences – at one time or another.

Staying Calm, Keeping Balanced, Allowing for Reflection

Another example is people who are caught up in business – either to avoid their problems or emotions or simply because being busy has become a habit.

Either way, it is the unconscious driving forces from Humanity’s and our personal past histories that create a distorted picture of reality causing us to allow for imbalances in our lives.

And with all we have been through lately, we may have defaulted to state – even if we had led more or less balanced lives before.

We are now starting to understand that:

?Staying balanced within ourselves is a vital part of our mental – and physical health.

This is usually related to health, family life, career, or our happiness and ability to connect to the subtleties in life. To feel joy. To feel peaceful. We need to ask ourselves whether or not our life choices and decisions will bring us peace of mind, contentment, and ultimately make us happy.

Most of us have at least – at one time or another gotten caught up in the business of life and feeling the necessity of being in competition with others.

?Being compassionate and fair towards others is also part of our mental – and thereby our physical health.

We do not have to be greedy or in competition with others. These bring down our being and cause fractures in our connection to Universal flow.

We now know that there is enough love, success, and material goods to go around – for us and everyone – and that the Universe operates under the principle of abundance.

However, to be open to the universal gifts offered we have to maintain a strong connection to Universal flow. This connection is weakened when we are unbalanced.

When we live unbalanced lives the important things that ultimately fulfill us suffer

In his transformative healing sessions, Gerry Clow reminds us that as a society we have tipped the scales way off-center as we have replaced the subtler aspects of life with the harsher ones:

“Most of our lives we are reactive, rather than reflective. We spend our time searching, not sourcing; looking, not listening; finding, but not feeling. We involve ourselves in life, forgetting often how to evolve ourselves in life, not realizing it’s essential – and healthy – to be on both pathways at the same time.” (1)

We inherited these attitudes. But we now know how destructive they are to our personal happiness and spiritual growth.

Staying Calm, Keeping Balanced, Allowing for Reflection

As we continue through hopefully what will be the last stretch of the restrictions put upon us, let’s use any quiet time that could be seen as a negative and turn it into a positive by Staying Calm, Keeping Balanced, and Allowing for Reflection so that we come out of this stronger than when we entered this crazy time.

Companion Post: Expressing Ourselves: to Avoid Depression, Dysfunctions, and Lashing Out at Others. This is the message of my August newsletter (the link to join is below)

Companion Post: Journaling: A Path to Peace, Happiness, and Harmonious Relationships

1) Gerry Clow, RPP, RCST (2014).

© Rosemary McCarthy September 2019, updated September 16, 2021.

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Copyright © September 2019, updated September 16, 2021, by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. You may only copy, share and distribute this article provided that the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website are included. However, I would appreciate it if you would inform me of where or to whom it has been shared, using the email Blessings, and thank you kindly. Rosemary