Relationships: Our Differences that Cause Conflict actually Add Value

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While most intimate relationships may be based on love and a commitment to enjoy life together, it is quite natural to experience conflicts.

We each hold distinct character traits and come from unique backgrounds and experiences. If we do not respect the differences these engender or allow space for expression, conflicts will develop.

Our intimate relationships bring with them many wonderful opportunities for joy and happiness. The companionship. Someone to share our passions with. Experiencing the myriad of life’s pleasures together. Creating a family or the bringing of families together.

However, because of the closeness of our intimate relationships, they can bring us face to face with misalignments from our True Self and the unconditional love it holds. All issues and conflicts are a result of this disconnect from this love inherent within us, but that is latent.

Connected to the unconditional love within, we respond calmly rather than react aggressively, or submissively, to what might otherwise feel as an affront. We do not need to be right, validated, or to prove ourselves worthy. We communicate with others in calm, respective, and compassionate ways because this connection allows for a sense of peacefulness within our being.

Disconnected from the unconditional love within, we may be aggressive, defensive, or controlling, and we may be driven by neediness. These will surely show up as issues or conflicts with our partner.

(This article/blog post is based on concepts in my book Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and Science. Book Synopsis is found here).

Archetypes Act As Conduits to Help Us, and to Strengthen Latent Qualities Within Us

Neediness causes push-and-pull scenarios. The needy one will want too much from their partner emotionally causing him or her to pull away. He or she will then become more demanding causing the other to pull away even further. Conflicts and hurt feelings will surely ensue.

We may have a deep-set fear of intimacy. Of being vulnerable. Of loss. Our intimate relationships usually challenge us to address these, as the highest purpose of our relationships is to bring out our fears – so that we can heal them.

Unhealed fears keep us living in mediocrity and on the surface level of our emotions. This keeps us distanced from our True Self and from the joy and true contentment it holds.

Coming up against our fears can cause us to behave in various ways within the relationship. Protective devices we put up create walls distancing us emotionally from our partner. Communication wanes. We may react with anger, aggression, or attempt to control the other or the situation. Or, we may become passive and further internalize whatever fear has surfaced without addressing it.

So there are many opportunities within our intimate relationships for one or both parties to feel hurt, misunderstood, or emotionally drained. These will create conflicts, and left unaddressed the issues can cause not only much frustration and unhappiness, they may well result in a break-down of the relationship.

People are only ever trying to get their needs met (whether they are real or perceived needs this is how the person feels at the moment) and these play out most easily in our couple relationships.

Like two out of control trains barreling toward each other on the same track,

couples often smash into each other just trying to get their needs met.

Relationships: Understanding that Our Differences that Cause Conflict actually Add Value

Differences that Often Create Conflict Actually Add Value 

We are inclined to try to have our partners think, act, and feel the way we do. However, making a partnership work involves accepting our differences and embracing the qualities that each brings to the table.

Admittedly, this is easier said than done. Once the honeymoon phase is over and real life sets in, seeing the positive aspects of the other often goes by the wayside. As with everything else in life, we have to consciously focus on the positive. When we do this, we give the positive aspects of the other a fertile place to grow.

Along with our fears and defensiveness, our differences, idiosyncrasies, and various ways of navigating life that show up in our relationships can be a breeding ground for conflict – unless we deal with them calmly, honestly, and with understanding.

Any neediness, agendas, or protective mechanisms we put on the other will follows us until we deal with them. The highest purpose of our close relationships is to heal any misalignments we may hold.

A Course in Miracles considers any relationship where we get to work out and make peace with what comes up a “holy relationship.” Acknowledging, addressing, and overcoming what keeps us from being aligned with our True Self is a holy, sacred undertaking.

It is by working through any negative reactions or defensiveness that come up when in contact with others that helps us connect to our True Self. We then feel peaceful within our self.

Looking past our differences with others brings us closer to acknowledging the Oneness we all share. We then feel peace with others.

We often marry or choose partners with opposite personalities, but with many qualities we like and appreciate. However, what we like is only part of his or her personality make-up.

For example, the person who is organized and gets the bills paid may annoy us by being more focused on money, organization, or routine than we like.

Or, we might be partnered up with someone who is more spontaneous than we are and who brings excitement to the family, but their inability to keep to schedules may irritate us.

We are attracted to and partner up with another for many of the reasons I mentioned above, but also for practical every day ones. It may be to help and support each other in family or work life, or to balance each other out in practical ways. Bills need to be paid and budgets adhered to or chaos ensues. Spontaneity keeps things alive and fun.

We can choose to focus on the positive aspects of our partner and praise them for the valuable qualities he or she brings to the partnership, or we can berate our spouse for the aspects of his or her personality that annoy us.

It is easiest to be accepting of our partner when we can see the differences as a blessing, recognizing that as he or she navigates life differently than we do it adds value to our relationship.

Instead of seeing our differences as sources of conflict, we can see them as sources of healing. Making peace with and accepting the differences we share with our significant other brings self-healing, moves us closer to our wholeness, and helps us grow spiritually. And it creates more harmony in our life and around us.

Relationships: Understanding that Our Differences that Cause Conflict actually Add Value

Couples and Their Misalignments

All our relationships are opportunities to heal, grow spiritually, and become our Best Self. Our intimate relationships are the perfect vehicle for this healing because we are usually relating to someone with different backgrounds, character traits, and misalignments from their True Self.

Everyday life provides us many opportunities to make peace with whatever presents itself that causes negative reactions in us, whether outwardly or inwardly.

We can make peace with how the other person is behaving. We can make an effort to be patient and understanding.  

We can attempt to understand the basis for any negative reaction we have had. And we have to forgive our self for how we may have behaved.

From time to time most of us default to some attitudes or behaviors that come from being misaligned from the unconditional love inherent, but often latent, within us. Attempting to forgive and make peace with the differences we have with others moves us closer to embracing that unconditioal love.

Couples with Similar Percentages of Misalignment.

We usually pair up with another person who shares a similar percentage of misalignment from his or her True Self as we do. These misalignments can show up as completely different issues or they may complement each other.

For example, one partner may be inclined toward anger and the other is judgmental. One may be controlling while the other succumbs to victimization.

Until we understand that the highest purpose of our relationships is to help us unearth and heal our misalignments, these different ways of being will bring conflicts into our relationships – unless we are an easy-going person able to find peace with every situation.

An angry, aggressive, controlling person who projects all this onto their partner must understand that their need to control is hurting the other, as well as the relationship.

If the aggressor truly wants their partner to be happy and to have a harmonious relationship, he or she must attempt to change and/or to work on the root cause. Finding their calm center will not only benefit their partner it will benefit them too.

Similarly, a submissive partner’s healing lies in the recognition of his or her passivity. They too must attempt to understand the root cause and work to find their own power-base.

When both parties understand what is happening and are willing to work together to figure out solutions, barriers breakdown, individual healing begins, conflicts start to abate, and the relationship will improve.

Couples with a Disproportionate Percentage of Misalignment

While most couples may have a similar percentage of misalignments, some people may find themselves partnered with someone who has a disproportionate amount of misalignment to them. This, however, is the exception.

When this happens, the one living more in tune with his or her True Self is meant to hold the light for the other to see what alignment looks like, what they can eventually aim for, how to feel at peace with them self, and what it takes to create a peaceful, loving, and harmonious relationship.

Relationships: Understanding that Our Differences that Cause Conflict actually Add Value

The one with the less percent of misalignment does not usually engage in or pursue conflict, nor live in a reactionary state. This usually causes much frustration for the one living from a negative Default Position as they usually have many Protective Mechanisms at play.

The reactive partner is often very frustrated with the peacemaker. They feel that cajoling, pushing, and demanding is the best way to go about life. And when others refuse to engage they are further angered. When questioned they often resort to defensive tactics.

They believe pushing against things is being empowered and see their partner’s easy-going attitude or non-aggressive approach as weak.

They are wrong, because pushing against life only allows for more frustrations and brings more conflict and push-backs into our sphere – as the Law of Attraction dictates. (See my posts on the Universal Laws on my blog. Link is below)

This article/blog post is an expanded excerpt from chapter 5,  “Relationships” in my book Your Journey to Peace … Synopsis is found is found here 

Rosemary McCarthy©, February 2018

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Click here to read the January issue.

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Copyright © 2018 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. To copy, share, or distribute this post simply ensure the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can contact me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.com. Blessings and thank you kindly. Rosemary.

Relationships: The Cavern between “You and Others” Is in Direct Relationship to the Cavern between “You and You”

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The hurts or conflicts that arise in our relationships are mostly due to unconscious influences that run our lives. I say mostly, because for some, conflicts within our relationships are due to a mismatch, or it has served its purpose and we are meant to take our cues and move on.

For others, conflicts arise because the relationship needs to shift and change to meet new circumstances, or one of the individuals is making life-altering changes that affects the relationship.

When we do not heed the signals and make the necessary adjustments, compromises, do a bit or self-reflection, or seek help for a relationship that is in throws of changes, the hurts and conflicts will continue and worsen and both parties suffer unnecessarily.

Sometimes a relationship even ends that could be saved and a family kept intact because of the inability of one or both or parties to face his or her part of its breakdown. Except for when the relationship has played out and is intended to end, we are meant to work through our hurts and conflicts with those in our lives.

One of the higher purposes of relationships, whether it be with a life-partner, a sibling, a parent-child or child-parent bond, an extended family member, a friend, or even a long-term working partnership, is for the unconscious influences of both parties to the surface – for healing.

And except for the rare occasion where one party feels empowered in life and is the “light-holder” and stabilizer to the other as they work through a huge misalignment from their power base and feel and act within the confines of disempowerment, both in the relationship are usually misaligned to the same degree. These misalignments would not necessarily show up in the same way, but the degree of misalignment would be similar.

Feeling empowered in life comes from being connected to our power base, which comes from a strong connection to our True Self – of “us-to-us.” (True Self is defined below, and I used the term as synonymous with Source energy, Spirit, higher Self, God, etc.).

This connection gives us our confidence allowing us to reach for what we want in life, while doing so with integrity. We are able to become our Best Self.

Law of Expansion - Universal Law 6 (of 6)

When this connection is strong, we don’t allow people to push their neediness onto us, take advantage of us, or emotionally manipulate us. Nor do we get unnecessarily involved in their dramas.

When we feel disempowered in life we are disconnected from our power base and our connection to our True Self – of “us-to-us” is weak.

This lack of connection breeds low self-confidence and we have trouble reaching for or achieving what we want in life and what makes us happy.

Having a low confidence level, we may be indecisive, lack the courage to take risks and make things happen, and we may even undermine our efforts by making bad choices or backing away from opportunities.

We often feel at the beck and call of others and circumstances. This all frustrates us, makes us lash out at those around us, which further distances us from our True Self.

As we take things personally, we often feel hurt by others’ words, actions, or inactions. We then either blame them for our unhappiness creating conflict in the relationship, or we internalize the feelings creating more inner-turmoil.

We all navigate life differently, and differences are a natural and healthy part of normal relationships. Hurts and conflicts arise because we can’t accept the other’s different ways of going about life  and/or respect their differing opinions.

The expectations we bring into our relationship also have a major impact on whether our relationship with be harmonious or filled with chaos.

When our connection to our True Self is strong we can easily deal with the different way the other approaches life and our expectations from the relationship are reasonable and above-board.

However, when our connection to our True Self is weak and the other’s personality or way of dealing with life is different than ours we often internalize this as an affront, and conflicts ensue.

Attempting to make up for the weak connection to our True Self we also bring unconscious expectations into our relationships assuming the other will fill that void. When they don’t, we feel hurt, disappointed, and become disillusioned with the relationship.

These negative and unrealistic ways of dealing with others (and situations) come from unconscious influences we created at some point in our lives that play out in our attitudes and behaviors.

These unconscious influences affect our connection to our True Self. Our attitudes and behaviors develop in response to how we experienced or perceived life from within our familial and cultural backgrounds – with our internalizing of these experiences highly influenced by our innate personalities.

This is why people brought up in the same household can be so different in their outlook and approach to life. If the influences we internalized instilled confidence, hope, positivity, autonomy, and lightness into our being, our connection to our True Self would remain strong.

However, if we unknowingly allowed these influences to cause us to become negative, pessimistic, or needy, to have low-self esteem or feel that life is heavy and a struggle, our connection to our True Self becomes weakened.

When we internalized our past influences as generally positive, we are able to navigate life without much difficulty or conflict. We can attain what we want in life because we feel empowered, as the connection to our power-base has remained strong.

When our past influences cause us to view and respond to life negatively, we may act in counterproductive ways that undermine our efforts and that create conflict with others. This makes our life seem difficult and what we want in life hard to achieve because we feel disempowered: our connection is weak.

This disconnect creates a cavern between “us and us” as our power-base lies in our connection to our True Self.  It is where we find the strength and integrity to become our Best Self, and the fortitude to keep it.

Below are some of the developed attitudes and behaviors that keep us disconnected from our power-base and True Self making life seem difficult and keeping us in conflict with others:

NEEDINESS

We often bring our emotional neediness into our relationships, but are unaware that we are expecting our partner, child, parent, or friend to answer those needs. When they do not, we are hurt, become upset, and conflict often ensues.

Our need may be personal: to feel loved, appreciated, validated, or served hand and foot. They may be more general: to become wealthy, powerful, famous, achieve a great success, or have a big happy family.

It is not that these desires always bring negative results to our life or relationships, as having goals and desires can be a good thing, but when they come from an unconscious need to fill a void or fulfill and unmet past need, they hold an insatiable element.

We become self-centered as this need is most often at the forefront of our thoughts and actions and it takes precedence over any consideration for the desires or needs of those around us.

We also become defensive of our efforts to fulfill our perceived need, and blind to another’s attempts to compromise or work with us toward a favorable outcome for both. We are difficult to deal with and conflict in the relationship is inevitable.

RESPONSIVENESS

We all have a Default Position: it can be Neutral, Reactionary, or Passive. (Definition of Default Position below)

Neutral Responses:

Neutral responses come from feeling empowered. When we respond to others or situations neutrally, we respond to the matter at hand, do so calmly, and without a need to defend our positions.

We do not react emotionally because we do not bring in issues from the past, nor thoughts or fears of the future – which all hold an emotional component.

We can still disagree and say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done, but we do so respectfully, and with honesty and integrity. We come from a place of confidence and empowerment – of gentle strength, not weakness and aggressiveness.

Our connection to our power-base and True Self is strong so we are emotionally balanced, therefore we don’t feel the need to address how others act, or respond to what they say or do aggressively, because we don’t take things personally. And we are strong in our own convictions, so we don’t have the need to defend our positions.

Reactionary Responses:

When we react to others or situations aggressively, are defensive, or throw blame around, we are projecting our hurts, disappointments, or expectations upon the other or the situation.

We feel that what they said or did was an affront to us. We might perceive someone voicing an opinion as them criticizing us, when they are simply conveying how they feel about something.

When someone cuts us off in traffic we may feel they are doing it to us, whereas the other person is simply attempting to get to where they need to go, albeit in an inappropriate way.

Others’ attitudes or actions are no reflection on us, and allowing them to disturb us or cause us to react strongly is counterproductive to our peace of mind.

When a loved one is late or misses a date we had made together and we are hurt and feel they do not love or appreciate us we are taking it personally – when it likely had nothing to do with us. They may have simply been extra busy at work, been unavoidably delayed, or had a lot on their mind and forgot.

Passive Responses:

Passive responses come from feeling disempowered. Although passive responses may appear to be neutral, as there are no blatant outward signs, they are very different because passive responses hold an emotional component – just like aggressive ones.

Sometimes the hurts, feelings, disappointments, or perceived injustices are not voiced at all, while at other times they are, but are tinged with so much emotion and/or neediness that the other individual turns a blind ear.

In both cases, we are not heard. Either way, the emotions are internalized affecting both the individual and the relationship. These internalizations harm us because buried emotions add another layer to the cavern between “us and us,” and our connection to our True Self is further weakened.

Passive responses harm the relationship because as our true feelings are not voiced (or heard) we have not addressed the hurt or disappointment we feel, and we remain inwardly angry towards the other for not understanding or taking into consideration our feelings, or seeing our viewpoint.

And if we are do try to make our self heard but are ineffective, before we approach the subject again, reflecting on our approach last time and possibly adjusting it could help getting heard this time.

We can ask ourselves:

  • Are we being needy – only thinking about our needs and perspective?
  • Are we negative – only focusing on what is wrong?
  • Are we overly emotional – crying at any perceived slight or criticism?

Could we be acting passive aggressively – signing or putting on a sad face rather than sharing our thoughts or feelings?

Whether we elect these attitudes because we don’t like to speak our mind, are unable to articulate or feel embarrassed by what we feel, or are simply trying to keep the peace against an aggressive person, passive attitudes do not bring long term solutions.

Not only is the issue not addressed or resolved, but the approach may even backfire, as buried feelings come out – one way or another – and may one day cause a major blow-up from where there is not turning back.

Passive responses create and increase the cavern between “us-and-another,” because until we address and resolve the issue with them that caused the feelings we buried, each future interaction is tainted. Hurts remain at the forefront of our emotions and any new or positive communication has to work hard to get through them.

We can certainly live happy and fulfilling lives without being completely in touch with our True Self, are enlightened, or fully aligned to Source. In fact, most of us do.

Very few of us are completely connected, so most of us are somewhat misaligned, and these show up in many ways and in many degrees. This is why some hurt and conflict exists in most relationships.

Nonetheless, if we navigate the conflicts that arise with compromise and compassion, keep our disparaging emotions at bay, forgive how the other’s misalignments show up, and accept their idiosyncrasies, we can easily live a harmonious life.

It helps to be aware of our unconscious influences, or at least make peace with how our misalignments show up, otherwise there will always be the cavern between “us-and-us” as we are not living close enough to our core – we are living superficially, with no connection to the truth of who we are.

This causes us to relate superficially to others. A cavern will always exist between “us-and-others” until we close that gap between “us-and-us.”

 

True Self: The truth or memory of who you really are—free of any unconscious influences. (chapter 1)

Best Self: We are our Best Self when we are aligned with our True Self. This manifests as happiness, acceptance of life and our circumstances, and connection to that part of our self that feels empowered, confident, assured, loving, giving, and emotionally healthy. (chapter 1)

Our Default Position: The reactionary, nonreactionary, or responsive way of dealing with others or situations. We respond with either aggression, passivity, or neutrality. (chapter 1).

This  article/blog post is based on my book, Your Journey to Peace … Book Synopsis is found here.

– © Rosemary McCarthy, March, 2017, updated January 2018

Following the book’s Facebook page ensures you receive new articles/posts as soon they are posted. The link is at the bottom of this page.

Click here for my blog page with many articles on our personal, collective, and planetary journeys to peace.

Available in print and e-book formats, click here to be directed to links to various booksellers, like Amazon, Chapters (Canada) erc.

To sign up for my newsletter, email me at rosemary@yourjourneytopeaee.com 

Click here to read the January issue. 

Click here to read the February issue. 

Click here for the March issue.

If you appreciate this article, I invite you to leave a review on the book’s website found here or on its Face Book page found here 

You can share this article as long as you include the full copyright message below. If you share through Facebook (link is below) the message will automatically copy.

Below is a peek into more in the book:

 Improving our attitudes helps change the world, as every shift in attitude affects the vibration of the Planet as a whole. (Introduction).What Is Held in Our Minds Is Reflected onto the World Stage. (Chapter 1, Why We Are the Way We Are)

Our capacity to love others is in direct relationship to how much we love ourselves. (Chapter 3, What We Can Do About It).

Our Relationships Are Pre-set Soul Contracts: The highest purpose of our relationships is to work out our unconscious influences: our fears, neediness, vulnerabilities, misperceptions, and false notions about love. They are set up to bring these misalignments from our True Self to the surface – for healing. This is why we find our close relationships so difficult.  (Chapter 5, Relationships)

We are not exercising true free will if we live under the tutelage of unconscious influences. (Chapter 6, Words, Symbols, Rituals, Concepts, Prayers).

We can reconcile our apparent relationship with extra-terrestrials with our belief systems. (Chapter 7, Science).

Our planet is a living, breathing organism … and just like us she has to cleanse herself of toxins – the physical and emotional toxins we have put upon her. (Chapter 9, The Planet and Abundance).

At levels beyond our awareness we chose to be here at this time of ‘The Shift’ to help bring about our and Gais’s Ascensions. (Chapter 10, Ascension).

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Copyright © 2017 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. To copy, share, or distribute this article simply ensure the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can contact me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.com. Blessings, and thank you kindly.

Relationships and Our “Love Languages”

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This article has been updated. To see newest version, see here.

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We all have differing personalities and ways of navigating life. We all have varying emotional needs. Many of us are sensitive to how others treat and appreciate us and our efforts, and this is especially true in our intimate relationships. None of us are completely free of unconscious influences from our past that affect how we perceive life, and these can make extra sensitive. This shows up as our vulnerabilities, and affects how we perceive what our partner is saying or doing and how we respond to him or her. We may even seem overly needy to our partner if he or she doesn’t understand our vulnerabilities, or if they choose to minimize or brush them off a silly. This is why trust, communication, and creating a “safe haven” for each in the partnership to show the other their fears, emotional barometer, and vulnerabilities is vital. So is being sensitive to our partner’s needs – even if we don’t understand them. We all are somewhat needy for love, as most of us are not fully connected to the love within our True Self, so we all need to feel loved from those close to us.

We all have different ways we express our love to our partner, but we also have different ways we interpret love from our partner. What makes one feel loved, may seem like an empty gesture to another. This is because we all have our own internal way of feeling loved. Part of really showing our love to our partner is understanding and acting in accordance with what Gary Chapman calls our “love language.”(1)

If we were completely aligned to the love within us 100% of the time, we would not need any specific expression of our partner’s (or anyone else’s) love for us. However, as we are not all fully aligned with our True Self and are just doing our best to deal with our inner worlds and their unconscious influences, we need those close to us, and especially our spouse, to express their love to us in ways we can feel it.

In Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, he tells us that learning our partner’s love language is paramount to understanding how to show them our love. Listed below are Chapman’s Five Love Languages. (1)

Love Language 1: Words of Affirmation: We are not often taught to use encouraging, kind, and humble words, so as adults we do not tend to use positive affirmations of love. Complimenting and showing appreciation to a partner who needs to hear love and appreciation voiced is fundamental in communicating our love to them. Receiving positive reinforcements makes them much more willing and motivated to fulfill their partner’s desires.

Love Language 2: Quality Time: For many, togetherness and quality time is vital to feeling loved. Having quality conversations and heartfelt sharing encourages intimacy for them, and listening attentively when he or she speaks from their heart is paramount.

Love Language 3: Receiving Gifts: Gifts are important in relationships because they are tactile and visual symbols of love, particularly if our partner requires physical manifestations as a sign of our love. So bringing them gifts, especially for no reason at all, as well as ensuring we know what they would like as a gift makes them feel loved.

Love Language 4: Acts of Service: The act of being served is how some partners feel loved. Both small and large gestures will please a partner who feels loved by being served. Small gestures like making him or her supper for no reason, keeping their car fueled up and washed, or offering to babysit so our partner can get away with the guys or gals keeps him or her feeling loved and appreciated. He or she will then be able to respond more lovingly.

Love Language 5: Physical Touch: Any act of physical touch will express love to someone who requires touch as an indicator of love. A simple brush as you walk by, a hug or kiss as you leave or come home, or a massage for no particular reason will keep the necessary physical communication open that the other needs. A healthy sex life is paramount to the partner whose love language is touch. (1)

We must also understand that any attempt or gesture to show our love to our partner should be appreciated as such, even when it is in ways that do not fulfill our particular love needs. When living at our highest potentials we would not need any outward signs of our partner’s love for us as we would be getting that from our connection to our True Self. However, since most of us are not there yet and have been programmed to get our love cues from the external, until we find our way back to wholeness it is important to recognize how our partner feels our love. At the same time, we must show appreciation to our partner for any effort he or she makes to show their love and appreciation, no matter how feeble their attempt seems to us.

Endnote

(1) Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 1992), 37–121.

© Rosemary McCarthy, October, 2016

This article is based on and an expansion of the sub-section “Expressing Our Love” within the main section “Making It Work” from chapter 5, Relationships.

You can share this article with others including the © notation below. When you share through Facebook (link is below), it is automatically copied.

Below is a little peak at other concepts discussed the book:

Improving our attitudes helps change the world, as every shift it attitude affects the vibration of the Planet as a whole. (Introduction)

The need to fill a void within ourselves manifests itself in the demands we put on others or in our incessant striving for material possessions and status.  (Chapter 1, Why We Are the Way We Are)

Our capacity to love others is in direct relationship to how much we love ourselves. (Chapter 3, What We Can Do About It)

Our Relationships Are Pre-set Soul Contracts.  We manifest together so that we can help each other in life, but also to work our unconscious influences. (Chapter 5, Relationships)

We are not exercising true free will if we live under the tutelage of unconscious influences. (Chapter 6, Words, Symbols, Rituals, Concepts, Prayers).

We can reconcile our apparent relationship with extra-terrestrials with our belief systems. (Chapter 7, Science).

Our planet is a living, breathing organism … and just like us she has to cleanse herself of toxins – the physical and emotional toxins we have put upon her. (Chapter 9, The Planet and Abundance)

At levels beyond our awareness we chose to be here at this time of ‘The Shift’ to help bring about our and Gais’s Ascensions.  (Chapter 10, Ascension).

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Copyright © 2016 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. You may only copy, share and distribute this article provided that the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can contact me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.com. Blessings.

 

Keeping our Relationships Strong: Steps to Healing a Broken Relationship:

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You can read more about the book this article is based on by clicking on “Book Synopsis” above.

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Relationship or marriage crisis or breakdowns occur for many reasons. As family, career, or other interests take precedence, couples who may have once been happy stop putting each other first and listening to each other. Sometimes an affair is the catalyst that brings the relationship to the crisis point, however in this case, or for other reasons, there are usually deeper issues that create the breakdown. Loss of unity of purpose distances couples.

If communication wanes, then the ever-important hashing out of hurts and expectations disappears. Without communication, respect cannot be maintained. For some, one person in the partnership has been ignored for years continuously feeling dejected and has had enough, for other couples one has given up trying to appease their pushy and aggressive partner realizing they don’t have a voice in the relationship.

For others, the couple hasn’t nurtured the relationship enough, and sometimes they never cultivated joy and light-heartedness. It may be that one of them has simply gotten overwhelmed and exhausted in life; this often happens because as a couple, they didn’t address or manage their life properly. Breakdowns are also sometimes fueled by the shoulds in our minds, can be influenced by our extended families, social circles, or communities, as well as by our jobs or careers.

There are as many ways to make relationships work as there are relationships, as there are many reasons relationship breakdown. There are many commonalities to happy relationships where both parties are contented and fulfilled, and there are many commonalities to relationships where there is conflict, or where one or both parties are unhappy.

None of us are perfect, and no relationship is without disagreements and conflict. It is how we treat the other person, react to their personality, strengths, weaknesses, and ways of navigating life, and how we cope with the differences between us and the conflicts that arise that will impact the success, happiness, and longevity of our intimate relationship. We all hold unconscious influences that impact how we deal with others, so to keep our relationship healthy we must be conscious of how our partner internalizes our attitudes, actions, and reactions, as well as how we internalize theirs. There are many ways we can deal with our different personalities and the sensitivities we all have that could create conflict; and there are many ways we can give the relationship a boost to help create a loving, and harmonious home.

We Must Show our Partner that He or She Matters. One of the best ways to show the other they matter to us is to make them feel they are our best friend. To show this, we must communicate with them often, in many ways, and on different levels. A touch, a kind or supporting word, or even sharing the good and bad aspects of our day brings us closer. We must show them they can trust us with their fears, vulnerabilities, and dreams, and we must trust them with ours. We must also carve our “special” time for romance – whatever that means to us. We must let the other know that what he or she feels and has to say matters to us, and that their input into the various aspects of our life together is important. No matter what has happened in our day, we want our partner to feel seen and heard. We also want them to be happy to see us.

We Must Really Listen to Our Partner: It is important to really listen to the words our partner speaks – and to the intention behind the words. And even though we may try to listen attentively, sometimes we still do not really hear what the other are saying. We may also only half listen or become impatient, or tune out if our partner becomes overly emotional, critical, or aggressive. We may also be in denial of a situation that must be addressed, or refuse to hear what the other is saying as doing so would required us making changes we are not prepared to make.

We Must Ensure We Are Heard: Sometimes we are not heard, cannot get our point across, or our partner refuses to listen. We may have differing communication styles and he or she becomes impatient, or they may be loud, controlling, or aggressive and always want their way and are used to bullying us into giving in. This causes us to become frustrated and feel disempowered, and our feelings get buried. When our partner cannot or will not hear us, sometimes we simply have to be strong and state our bottom-lines. However, when doing so we have to say what we want to say calmly and without big emotions. Nonetheless, us finally standing our ground may shock our partner and a disagreement may ensue. When this happens, we need to disengage from the argument. However uncomfortable, facing the issue of not being heard can save the relationship. Not expressing our feelings or preferences, or never giving our point of view will eventually cause a rupture in the relationship, one way or another, and if we wait too long it may not be salvageable. Separations and divorce are way more disruptive and uncomfortable than facing our issues – and we go through it alone. Most of us deep down want our relationships to work, and our partner may surprise us once we get going on healing it. And not only do we end up working through it together, the relationship usually ends up way stronger and more satisfying than it ever was.

Building Trust and Creating Communication With Our Partners: We built trust and create good communication with our partners with how we behave every day: by with attitudes, actions, or inaction; by being open, honest, speaking from the heart, and listening with open hearts to our partners; by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, forgiving the other, and accepting forgiveness from him or her; and by saying what we mean, meaning what we say, and keeping the promises we have made. The combination of trust and good communication opens the door for us to feel safe within the partnership.

Creating a Safe Haven: Creating a safe haven for each in the partnership to express their fears, disappointments, and vulnerabilities, voice their frustrations, and to share their dreams – without fear of being ridiculed or shamed, goes a long way in creating and maintaining a healthy relationship. Sharing our concerns with our partner is vital, as when our sensitive issues are not voiced or understood by the other, an emotional barrier between us is created. Once a barrier is created it perpetuates itself and the cavern between the two people widens. Unexpressed emotions, fears, vulnerabilities, and unmet frustrations will find their way into other unrelated aspects of daily life, creating more conflict and confusion. A vicious cycle ensues, and unless one or the other addresses the emotional gap, a crisis eventually occurs.

We Must Focus on the Positive Aspects of the Other and the Relationship: Staying focused on the positive aspects of our partner and the relationship is vital to creating and maintaining a healthy relationship. Focusing on the negative aspects of our partner and the life we have created drives us into a downward spiral of negativity. Focusing on the positive aspects invites our relationship to spiral in an upward, uplifting direction. However, remaining positive and focusing on the what is good does not come naturally to many of us. We may have to make an effort at first, but we will soon see the benefits. We may have to dig deep to focus on the positive, and consciously create an atmosphere for the relationship to flourish.

We Must Cultivate Joy and Keep it Light: Fostering joy and allow for light-heartedness in our intimate relationships can waylay conflicts. It is so easy to fall into the trap of allowing the responsibilities of adulthood and family life to sap our joy and keep things serious and heavy. Not only does this bring us down individually, it takes the air out of the relationship. Make time to do things together that bring you both joy, and encourage the other to do the things that brings him or her joy. Plan light-hearted activities either alone, or with family or friends who know how to keep it light and don’t focus on drama. When we have tasted how tuning into joy and keeping things light can make us feel, it encourages us to let things go that we might otherwise take issue with that would create conflict in the relationship.

We Must Keep Healthy Boundaries within the Relationship. To do so we must ensure we are not being overly needy bringing deep emotional hurts from our past into the present; are not falling into passivity giving up making our point or ensuring the other hears us; or become unnecessarily impatient or aggressive not making time to listen to and really hear or understand what the other is feeling or their point of view.

Disagreements and minor conflicts will present themselves in all intimate relationships. However, we must always remember that our partner is doing his or her best, but is likely working within the confines of at least some unconscious influences. We all are. And if there is always conflict and one or the other in the relationship is unhappy, address the situation – either together, or individually if necessary. If our unconscious influences are getting in the way of having a happy and satisfying relationship, address them. When we cannot surmount them alone, we must get help. It is better to deal with what is causing the conflict and/or unhappiness than having to deal with a major relationship breakdown – or even a break-up or divorce. However, even when there is a major breakdown, there is still much we can do to save it.

In Love without Hurt Dr.Steven Stosny tells us that when a relationship has suffered “chronic resentment, anger or abuse, reestablishing a connection is not a fifty-fifty proposition.” (1) He explains that in the beginning, it may be as much as a “ninety-ten proposition” with the perpetrator doing most of the work. This is because it is easier for the one who was the aggressor to heal than the one who was subjected to aggressive attitudes and behaviors. Listed below is Dr. Stosny’s advice for maintaining a healthy relationship and steps to healing a broken one if a crisis occurs. (2)

1) Building Deep Connections: A deep connection to our partner makes both parties and the relationship stronger. We create these connections by how we show the other our love by shared values and a conviction in something larger than ourselves, be it a belief system, a humanitarian concern, or even a sociopolitical viewpoint. We can even choose to feel connected if the other does not, as when we make this mental shift our attitudes and behaviors change to reflect it, and this can elicit change in the other.

2) Lifelines: Couples must create emotional lifelines with each other and keep them open. This vital bond keeps us aligned to what is most important to the other and helps to keep the relationship healthy. He suggests that when we are apart we can regularly envision a “long, flexible lifeline,” like an invisible cord, that connects us and our partner. (3) This keeps us connected and can help the healing when we are annoyed with the other. And the more we imagine this lifeline, the stronger our connection so that no matter what our mood, what we are involved with, or where we are, we feel connected to the other.

3) The Power Love Formula: Dr. Stosny gives us four steps to “the power love formula:” small, everyday things we can do to keep our connection strong and open.

  • a) Acknowledge that our partner is important to us at “four crucial times in the day.”  1) Upon Waking, 2) Leaving the House; 3) Coming Home; 4) Going to Sleep. This acknowledgment can be a loving phrase, a kiss, or even a gentle touch—anything that is done with loving intention and conveys our love to the other.
  • b) Give “six hugs per day, holding each for six seconds.” Stosny explains that adopting this “six-by-six” formula of hugging and holding the other “in a full body embrace,” will override any physical distance couples may feel in their relationships. (5) As touching usually ceases at a certain point when one partner starts to feel unloved fueling a downward spiral, we have to rekindle the spark. He warns us though that we may have to fake it at first, as it will not feel natural to want to lovingly touch someone we are resentful of or angry with. Hugs not only help our relationship they increase serotonin levels and therefore our general feelings of emotional well-being, which can allow us to be more forgiving of and open to our partner.
  • c) Contract to love our partner: When we have lost the loving feeling, Dr. Stosny suggests we write and sign a contract every day at the same time of the day with a list declaring “how I will show my love for you everyday.” (6) It should be formal, encompassing the present and the future, but not long or complicated. He suggests that we write it based on the idea that if I love him/her, I would …. We then write out the details of how we have decided to show our partners how we love them in both the present and future.
  • d) Embrace the four Rs when we slip up: Breaking habits or letting go of resentments does not happen overnight. We will err and forget our promises and sometimes succumb to the habitual attitudes deep hurts encourage us to act upon. In Dr. Stosny’s program, he proposes that we embrace the four Rs when we succumb to old habits or fall prey to emotional outbursts.

The four R’s to use after we have slipped up in our relationship:

  1. Recover: Once we realize we have erred, we need to remind our self of our promises made and get our attitudes under control. If this happens only after the fact and we cannot talk to our partner, we can try to rebuild our connection by using our lifelines and send loving, positive thoughts to our partner.
  2. Repair: Make amends with our partner. If they reject our efforts, we need to try again and again, until they forgive us. The entire healing process takes time, so we must remain mindful that “the power lies in trying.” (7) Even though we might feel like retreating when our apologies are rejected, we must continue to try.
  3. Receive: We must be willing to receive the other’s attempts at repair, because at this point, it is not about who did what to whom. Stosny says that all attempts to repair are stepping-stones to a healthy relationship, and in that spirit, our “licence to pout and sulk is hereby suspended.” (8) He tells us to expect to be successful at rebuilding! Remembering that the ultimate goal is rebuilding the relationship will make accepting repair attempts easier.
  4. Reconnect: When feeling unloved or hurt, we always need to ask ourselves what a loving, invested partner would do. Even if our partner does not respond in the ways we want, we can uphold the spirit of our final goals: rebuilding connections, feeling love again, and creating a happy, healthy, and satisfying relationship.

Even though Dr. Stosny concurs with spiritual concepts that we are all ultimately responsible for our feelings and our happiness, he also puts forth that when one partner’s attitudes have not been loving or compassionate, the relationship itself has suffered. Being an entity in itself the relationship needs healing, hence the necessity for steps to repair it.

This article is an expansion of the sub- section “Marriage Crisis: Breakdowns, Breaking Points, and Healing” from the “Couples” section of chapter 5, Relationships.

 © Rosemary McCarthy, (originally posted October 2016,

updated April 2017)

You can access more articles on various subjects related to our personal, collective, and cosmic journeys through “View Archives” on the “Home Page.”

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Below is a peek into a bit more in the book:

The truth of who we are lies quietly in wait just below the surface of any false illusions we may have inadvertently constructed. (Introduction).

Whether positive or negative, our unconscious beliefs act upon us without our consent, or real knowledge of why. (Chapter 1, Why We Are the Way We Are)

We were not sent away by a vengeful God, but as we bough into the ego or Satan’s deception that we had broken our connection to our Source, we were filled with remorse, guilt, and fear. Fear of retribution and the projection of that fear with its ensuing shame and guilt into judgment of others, is the basis of the human predicament. (Chapter 1)

Powerful shifts will occur in us when we acknowledge the truth of who we are, while at the same time reconcile the truth of who we are being. (Chapter 2, Universal Laws / Kingdom Principles)

Our capacity to love others is in direct relationship to how much we love ourselves. (Chapter 3, What We Can Do About It)

Don’t wallow in what you have or haven’t done—don’t get stuck in the darkness. (Chapter 4, Along the Way)

How we choose to live life “in the meantime” will likely be the deciding factor to our happiness, because most of our life is spent in the meantime. (Chapter 4).

The need to fill a void within ourselves manifests itself in the demands we put on others or the incessant striving for material possessions and status.  (Chapter 5, Relationships)

We yearn for intimacy, but the playing out of our unconscious influences drives us apart. Power struggles develop as we try to uphold our need for love and intimacy, while our Protective Mechanisms create boundaries around inner our world.   (Chapter 5).

Many have confused God’s revenge with the karmic Law of Balance and that of Cause and Effect playing out in our lives. (Chapter 6, Words, Symbols, Rituals, Concepts, Prayers).

Free will is our inheritance. However, we are not exercising true free will if we live under the tutelage of unconscious influences. (Chapter 6).

The Masters were not under the laws of the physical world, nor are we when we partner up with them, Spirit, God, or our higher Self, or invoke any who have attained those higher states. (Chapter 6).

We can reconcile our apparent relationship with extra-terrestrials with our belief systems. (Chapter 7, Science).

The electromagnetic fields we create from our heart chakras are at least forty times stronger than those created from our brains. (Christiane Northrup) (Chapter 7) ,

Traumatic situations are held in our cellular memory until they are dealt with: they sit there like open doors for ailments. (Chapter 8, Health and Healing; Death and Dying).

Our need to reconcile what we put upon the Indigenous peoples is in direct relationship to our country’s successful advancements. (Chapter 9, The Planet and Abundance)

Our planet is a living, breathing organism … and just like us she has to cleanse herself of toxins – the physical and emotional abuses we have put upon her. (Chapter 9).

At levels beyond our awareness we chose to be here at this time of ‘The Shift’ to help bring about our and Gais’s Ascensions. (Chapter 10, Ascension).

Hope is the harbinger that will keep that vibration pointed to where a brighter world may flourish. It is hope that will anchor in Ascension. (Chapter 11, The Future).

The Importance of Embracing Unity Consciousness (Conclusion).

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Copyright © 2016 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. You may only copy, share and distribute this article provided that the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain. and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can reach me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.com. Blessings, and thank you kindly.

Endnotes

(1) Steven Stosny, Love without Hurt (Philadelphia, PA: Da Capo Press, 2008), 259.

(2) Ibid., 260-7.

(3) Ibid., 261

(4) Ibid., 262

(5) Ibid., 263

(6) Ibid., 265

(7) Ibid., 266

(8) Ibid.