Everything Stems from Either Love or Fear

Although we are not aware of it, all our thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and actions stem from either Love, or from Fear.

When our mind is calm and we feel happy, light-hearted, worry-free, and able to embrace our passions we are aligned to our True Self. To Source. To the love within. Connected to this love within, our attitudes and behaviours reflect the qualities of love

(Below, llustration 4 shows some of the aspects of LOVE).

When our mind is in overdrive, we can’t focus, or are consumed with worry, blame, judgement or any other negative or disempowering thoughts or feelings we are disconnected from our True Self. Disconnected to this love within, our attitudes and behaviours reflect the qualities of fear

(Below, Illustration 5 shows some aspects of FEAR).

We are all born connected to this love within. To our True Self. However, over the years we have gathered impressions from our life experiences, or from what we have witnessed.

This article/blog post is based in concepts from my book “Your Journey to Peace … “

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Archetypes Act As Conduits to Help Us, and to Strengthen Latent Qualities Within Us

If these were mostly positive and we experienced or witnessed mostly loving, compassionate, uplifting, non-judgmental attitudes and acceptance of others we will have a positive outlook on life as our connection to our True Self will have remained quite strong.

If growing up the attitudes and behaviors we experienced or witnessed were mostly unloving, and the people around us were controlling, judgmental, or cruel and their aim was to disempower, we will likely have a negative attitude about life as our connection to the love within will have been weakened. However, a negative past can be overcome.

Sometimes being around negative and unloving people creates such an impact on us that we reject the negativity and become positive and loving. Or, one person in our life may have positively influenced us so much so that the spark of love was kept alive within us

Unhealed emotions from past negativity still stuck within us need a voice. This is most often released in dysfunctional ways. Unaddressed emotions affect our self-esteem. Our level of confidence. The will to do. We are indecisive. Depression, lethargy, bad habits, or even addictions will surface. Or, we project our unhealed emotions out into the world as dysfunctional behaviors towards others.

LOVE

Love is at the heart of all our peace and happiness.

All the joy and passion that we feel, any harmony that manifests in our life, and all the other positive attitudes (many shown in the illustration) stem from love. We are able to bring these about because we are connected to the spark that we emanated from.

There is a memory of that spark within all of us, and it is easily accessible if no roadblocks were erected in life to squelch the connection. In positive, loving people, that connection can show up in either overt or covert ways, depending on their personalities.

Even when the connection is stifled it can still be accessed with external reminders. A baby’s smile, a spectacular sunset, the abandonment that arises in us from the exhilaration of an extreme sport, or the passion that is reawakened within us from music, dance, art, or anything else that moves us can rekindle the spark of love, joy, and fearlessness we originally held. What we are feeling or how we are being stems either from love, or from fear.

Everything Stems from Either Love or Fear

FEAR

Fear is at the root of all of our issues.

We do not recognize it as such, as it masks itself in many different manifestations that aim to protect us, but they ultimately keep us from being able to access joy, find our empowerment, and become our Best Self.

They also create conflict in our lives thereby distancing us from others. We may get hurt feelings because someone ignored us, withheld a compliment, or didn’t include us. This stems from a fear that we are not loved, appreciated, or good enough.

Not having inner confidence, we may fear failure and in turn get defensive at an innocent comment about where we are in life.

When we are not in touch with our own power-base, we may fear pursuing what we want and become judgmental of the successes of others.

We may fear poverty because of long-held perceptions of the poor, and thereby strive tirelessly, ignoring the urgings of Spirit.

We may feel a lack of love or connection in our lives and be fearful of being alone and thereby fall into relationships that are unfulfilling or abusive in some way.

Everything Stems from Either Love or Fear

Experts suggest that children of parents with addictions often tirelessly aim to control their environment as their home life was never predictable. However, this often backfires as the controlling attitudes usually create disharmony in their current home life, as succumbing to the underlying fear of instability creates another bad situation.

As well as the results of our attitudes or behaviors that arise because of not addressing our issues, all these manifestations of underlying fears create more of a misalignment with our True Self, and this distancing creates more neediness that aches to be satisfied. A vicious cycle ensues.

We do not recognize these manifestations as fear, because the original hurts we are seeking to protect ourselves from, or the limiting attitudes we hold because of the outdated ideals or biases we grew up with, are buried deep in the recesses of our Emotional Bodies.

Our fears can manifest as neediness, or may be played out through our Perceived Needs, Hidden Agendas, or Protective Mechanisms―all aiming to avoid further hurt or feelings of disempowerment.

As we attempt to protect ourselves from further onslaughts against our fragile psyches, we project the manifestations of these unconscious influences onto others, acting in aggressive ways.

These may manifest as us being judgmental, aggressive, controlling, manipulative, defensive, or passive-aggressive. If our reactionary states are passive, we turn any perceived onslaught inward and bury further hurts and angers.

However, when we honestly look at the issues in our lives and use tools that can uncover the original buried emotions, we can connect the dots between these outer demonstrations and the associated inner-fears they were derived from that manifested in unhelpful, inappropriate, or harmful ways.

Connecting the dots of unaddressed emotions to attitudes and behaviors that are not serving our highest good is the first step to shifting to more positive ways of thinking and of being in the world.

Everything Stems from Either Love or Fear

When we overcome the effects of unaddressed emotions our confidence grows. We find our passions. Our relationships improve. We have more energy. And our life becomes more harmonious.

(From chapter 1, “Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and Science)

~Rosemary McCarthy© August 20, 2018.

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Text and illustrations copyright ©Rosemary McCarthy (originally October 2016, updated August 20, 2018). All rights Reserved. You may only copy, share and distribute this article provided that the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. However, I would appreciate if you would inform me of where or to whom it has been shared, using email rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.com. Blessings, and thank you kindly.

Our Love Languages and our Relationships

We all have diverse personalities. Different ways of navigating life. Varying emotional needs. Many of us are sensitive to how others treat and appreciate us and our efforts, and this is especially true in our intimate relationships.

None of us are completely free of unconscious influences from our past. These affect how we perceive life. They can make us extra sensitive. This shows up as our vulnerabilities and affects how we perceive what our partner is saying or doing, and how we respond to him or her.

We may even seem overly needy to our partner if he or she doesn’t understand our vulnerabilities, or if they choose to minimize or brush them off a silly.

This is why trust, communication, and creating a “safe haven” for each in the partnership to show the other their fears, emotional barometer, and vulnerabilities is vital. So is being sensitive to our partner’s needs – even if we don’t understand them.

This article/blog post is based on concepts in my book Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and Science. Book Synopsis is found here).

Archetypes Act As Conduits to Help Us, and to Strengthen Latent Qualities Within Us

Many of us are somewhat needy for love, as we were never taught to connect to the love within – to our true self. Nor were we exposed to unconditional love. We therefore look to get our love needs satisfied from externals. To feel love from those close to us.

We all have different ways we express our love to our partner, but we also have different ways we interpret love from our partner. What makes one feel loved, may feel like an empty gesture to another.

This is because we all have our own internal way of feeling loved. A major part of showing our love to our partner in the way he or she most easily feels loved is understanding and acting upon what Gary Chapman calls our “love languages.”(1)

If we were completely connected to our true self 100% of the time – and to the love it holds – we would not need any specific expression of our partner’s (or anyone else’s) love for us.

However, as we are not all fully aligned with our true self and are just doing our best to deal with our inner worlds and unconscious influences, we feel most loved when those close to us – especially our spouse expresses their love to us in the way we feel it.

In Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, he tells us that learning our partner’s love language is paramount to understanding how to show them our love so that they feel it as much as we are attempting to show it. Listed below are Chapman’s Five Love Languages. (1)

Love Language 1: Words of Affirmation: We are not often taught to use encouraging, kind, and humble words, so as adults we do not tend to use positive affirmations of love. Complimenting and showing appreciation to a partner who needs to hear love and appreciation voiced is fundamental in communicating our love to them. Receiving positive reinforcements makes our loved one much more willing and motivated to fulfill our desires.

Love Language 2: Quality Time: For many, togetherness and quality time is vital to them feeling loved. Having quality conversations and heartfelt sharing encourages intimacy for them. And listening attentively when he or she speaks from their heart is paramount.

Our Love Languages and our Relationships

Love Language 3: Receiving Gifts: Gifts are important in relationships because they are tactile and visual symbols of love, particularly if our partner requires physical manifestations as a sign of our love. So, bringing our spouse gifts, especially for no reason at all, makes them feel loved. So does knowing what they like to receive as a gifts.

Love Language 4: Acts of Service: The act of being served is how some people feel loved. Both small and large gestures will please a partner who feels loved by being served. Small gestures like making him or her supper for no reason, keeping their car fueled up and washed, or offering to babysit so the other can get away with the guys or gals keeps him or her feeling loved and appreciated. He or she will then be able to respond more lovingly.

Love Language 5: Physical Touch: Any act of physical touch is felt as an expression of our love to someone who requires touch as an indicator of love. A simple brush as you walk by, a hug or kiss as you leave or come home, or a massage for no particular reason will keep the necessary physical communication open that the other needs. A healthy sex life is paramount to the partner whose love language is touch. (1)

At the same time, we must show appreciation to our partner for any attempt or gesture he or she makes to show their love and appreciation – no matter how feeble their attempt seems to us and even when it is in ways that do not fulfill our particular love needs.

When living at our highest potentials we would instinctively know how to express our love to our partner so they feel it. Interestingly, if they too were living at their highest potential they wouldn’t need any specific outward signs of our love.

However, since most of us are not there yet and have been programmed to get our love cues from the external world, expressing our love in the way our partner feels it strengthens the relationship.

Endnote

(1) Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 1992), 37–121.

© Rosemary McCarthy, uupdated June, 2018.

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The Importance of Balancing Our Male and Female Energies

Over the past century the lines between how males and females behave have been challenged. This is part of our evolutionary growth, but it has caused what have been our traditional roles to become somewhat blurred.

Part of the reason for much of the confusion and conflicts between males and females has been, and still is, the misunderstanding of our male and female energies, the understanding of their interrelationship, and how to use them as they were intended.

The male and female energies are the epitome of the duality that underlies all aspects of the Universe. The concept of Yin/Yang in the Chinese philosophies suggests that this duality is made up of opposing forces – which at the same time are complementary – and that these contradictory forces need to be in balance, otherwise chaos ensues.

We all hold both male (doer, builder, protector) and female (passive, nurturer, communicator) energies within our beings, however, this has nothing to do with being in a male or female body. They are energetic vibrations – and neither is more important than the other.

Even though we all do hold both of these energies within us, we usually have an overriding male or female energetic slant. The degree to which the standard male and female qualities manifest within us is influenced by our individual personalities, as well as by our sexual orientation – no matter which body we are in.

Many in male bodies hold the dominant male energy, while others hold the dominant female energy. Similarly, many in female bodies hold the dominant female energy, while others hold the dominant male energy. Within both sexes, those who have held the opposite dominant energy to what society has deemed appropriate have been shunned, or worse, when they expressed their sexuality authentically.

Our dominant energy is intended to be our main way of being in the world, with the secondary one – the less prevalent energy, supporting it. When we are emotionally balanced and being true to our self the positive features of the overriding energy lead the way, with the secondary one influencing it. It keeps it in check.

Although diametrically opposed, these male and female energies both hold the same value: they are intended to complement and support each other. Those holding the dominant male energy are intended to boldly create, while still maintaining a compassionate approach.

Those with the gentler female energy are to bring nurturing to the world, while remaining empowered. Taking into account the strength of the overriding energy, both of these energies are required to maintain somewhat of a balance between doing and being. Properly allowed, the secondary energy ensures this balance.

The male and female energies are both necessary for balance because although they are separate, they are part of each other, as illustrated in the Yin/Yang symbol. In The Soul of the Messenger, G. W. Hesketh explains:

“The Yin/Yang symbol [image removed, shown below] contains an element of its opposing force within each half by depicting a white dot in the black half of the symbol, and a black dot in the white half. The element of each within the other conveys that dual natures are not separate from each other; rather they are inclusive, and represent extremities of the same thing.” (1)

The Importance of Balancing Our Male and Female EnergiesThese two energies are a part of each other and are vital to each other – as they are to all aspects of our existence. Ensuring that they shine forth in us individually as our personalities and life purposes dictate will help bring balance to our world.

We need to ensure that whichever dominant energy people hold that they are validated for who they are. People who are doers and achievers need to be given respect for all that they are and encouragement in all that they do, or attempt to do.

Gentle nurturing people need to be given respect for all that they are, the space to voice their thoughts and ideas – and be listened to, and appreciated for the more-subtle aspects they bring to their relationships, and to the world.

Until this is all fully reintegrated within us as individuals, we still have to deal with the ripple effects of how society has expected us to behave regarding our gender roles and sexual orientations.

Our attitudes and how it should bes’ are so entrenched in who we are it will take time for many of us to find the appropriate balance of allowing our male and female energies to guide us, for our dominant energy to shine forth in positive ways, and for society and our laws to catch up in allowing and supporting people to express their true natures without repercussions.

Whether we are in male or female body, whichever dominant energy we hold, and however our sexuality wants to express itself, many of us have had to suppress the parts of our true nature that did not align with what society accepted in an effort to fit in and/or to protect ourselves. This is left-over from our past history.

(This article/blog post is based on concepts in my book Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and Science. Book Synopsis is found here).

Archetypes Act As Conduits to Help Us, and to Strengthen Latent Qualities Within Us

This Imbalance Is a Left-over from Our Past

The world we have grown up in has focused on, been built upon, and promoted males – men who held the alpha, doer, protection-oriented energy. It denounced males with a dominant female energy and females with a dominant male energy. This created pushes-and-pulls between the sexes. Conflicts and inequalities arose. Imbalances followed. This perpetuated itself.

We are all gods and goddesses. And when we access the fullness of our true natures we express our godliness out into the world – with confidence and integrity. When part of our true nature is suppressed, our dominant energy can become corrupted and negatively affect our attitudes and behaviors.

As those with the dominant male alpha energy suppressed the female energy within them, the power it held often morphed into aggression, control, and cruelty. They became power-hungry.

Those with the dominant female energy not only had to suppress the male energy within themselves, they were often the target of the controllers and aggressors. Their passive nurturing qualities often transformed into neediness, deviousness, passive-aggressiveness, and victim mentalities. They lost their sense of empowerment.

Many of both genders suppressed the parts of themselves that did not line up with societal norms. Some overrode their dominant energy and embraced the traditional male and female roles in an effort to protect themselves. Others ignored the supportive energy and fell prey to the negative aspects of the dominant energy. They weren’t embracing the fullness of their true natures.

In not accessing these complementary parts of ourselves our divine natures became subdued: we forgot about nurturing the gods and goddesses within us. And as power and control became the mainstay of society, little importance was placed on the subtler aspects of living.

The feminine energy was ignored in those who held it as a supportive energy and muffled in those who held it as a dominant energy. We became hardened. Life became hard and harsh. (Below is a link to a YouTube video to help us embrace our feminine energies).

This has been our history and we hold remnants of the reasons we choose to suppress within our cellular memory. This is why power, control, greed, unfairness, inequality etc. are so hard to overcome. However, we all hold a distant memory of our beginnings within us – of when we had this balance and could wholly express ourselves.

Our soul remembers! This imbalance we now hold has caused inner-conflicts within our unconscious. Inner-conflicts have to be expressed – one way or another – either through self-sabotage and/or projection onto others. These flawed ways of expressing ourselves created a fertile ground for the negative aspects of both the male and female energies to flourish.

The Importance of Balancing Our Male and Female Energies

If society had been more evolved and individuals balanced emotionally and spiritually we would not have been in danger because of the way we expressed our sexuality. Gender roles would not have been so fixed, and whichever roles people took on would not have created problems for them.

The differences between the traditional male and female energies would have been recognized as complementing each other, and all qualities, however overt or covert, appreciated for their value – whether the person expressing them was in a male or female body.

Up until recently the negative aspects of both our male and female energies have continued to prevail over the positive ones. This is starting to change, but it has affected individuals, groups of people, and the collective.

It is time for us to acknowledge and address the unfairness and inequalities this imbalance of our male and female energies has created. It is time to move into our next evolutionary phase.

Rebalancing Our Male and Female Energies is a Win / Win Undertaking

We are now at the pinnacle of our evolution and we are moving into a phase where we are to discover and embrace our true natures. To find balance within all areas of our life. This is part of the cosmic plan. (Below is a link to my article/post: “We Are at the Pinnacle of Our Evolution”).

The light and love now surrounding our Planet is encouraging us, individually and collectively, to reach for what represents love: authenticity, self-love, and empowerment for ourselves; and compassion, fairness, equality, and acceptance for all others. It is time for us to overcome the negative attitudes and behaviors that have plagued Humanity for so long.

Although it may seem that prejudice, unfairness, inequality, and mental, physical, and sexual abuse are more rampant than ever, this is because these are being brought to the surface – for healing. We cannot address what is hidden.

The unearthing of all of these negative attitudes and behaviors is what will cause the dictates of society to change. And we are demanding changes.

In all areas of society, equality for all, a voice for people to speak out, and empowerment for those who have been mistreated or disenfranchised is being supported by mainstream. Imbalances of our norms and in our laws that affect individuals and groups of people are being challenged.

Part of this rebalancing and rediscovering of our true natures is the understanding of and allowing for both the male and female energies within us to be acknowledged, recognized for their full value, and allowed to emerge – without negative repercussions. We have to encourage this rebalancing.

  • We have to allow for the less dominant of the male and female energies within people to come forth. This will start to alleviate the negative attitudes and behaviors of the unconscious inner-conflicts the suppression of these triggered.
  • We have to allow for peoples’ sexuality to be expressed whichever way feels natural and authentic. We have to allow for our true natures to come forth.

With this rebalancing those who hold a predominant powerful, male energy will be inclined towards its positive aspects, as allowing for the secondary female energy’s influence will soften the edges of their attitudes, behaviors, and decisions.

Those holding a predominant gentle, nurturing female energy will confidently allow the positive aspects of their nature to shine forth, while allowing the secondary male energy within them to ensure they remain empowered.

Those in female bodies will be able to tap into the builder, protector part of themselves if they wish to, but without needing to employ aggressive tendencies. Those in male bodies will be able to tap into the communicator, nurturer parts of themselves without being needy, demanding, or falling prey to victimization.

The Importance of Balancing Our Male and Female Energies

These shifts will create win / win situations for individuals and Humanity as a whole. Those who suppressed feminine energy and start to access it will feel calmer and less pressured. And we will all benefit from reduced aggressive, controlling, and power-hungry tendencies. Those who suppressed male energy and now start to access it will feel more confident and empowered. These individual shifts will have ripple effects and cause less pressure on society.

To create the space for this to happen we have to let go of beliefs and ideals that are outdated – especially those that were born from within eras or societies where control, aggression, and unfairness were rampant.

We have to understand that the patriarchal society we inherited no longer works. We have to let go of judgement: of what we don’t agree with or understand.

We want to become a fully functioning society. And to do that we have to become balanced mentally, physically, and spiritually. Finding the balance between our male and female energies will help us balance our physical and spiritual realities.

In The Soul of the Messenger, Hesketh makes the comparison between the balance of our male and female energies to “the compatibility of body with spirit.” He suggests that when body and spirit are out of balance “either body dominates spirit to the point of outright denial of anything non-physical, or that spirit cannot reconcile an existence in a material world leading to unfulfilled purpose and disconnection with life – a stranger in a strange land.” (2)

Making Space for the Negative Aspects of the Male Energy to Heal

We all know that the victims of this patriarchal society we were born into need a safe space to heal. But so do the aggressors!

Our history has shown that those with the dominant male energy used its power and unleashed aggressive tendencies to control, marginalize, and abuse women – and other males with the female energy – emotionally, physically, and sexually.

Many movements in the last century aimed to dislodge the inequalities our patriarchal society brought about, such as a women’s right to vote early in the 20th century and the feminist movement of the 1960’s.

Great roadways were made. However, the problem was always seen, perceived, and discussed as a women’s issue. As if the victims are the problem. Not on the perpetrators – who are the problem. This is changing.

As we move into this next phase of our evolution we will continue to address the issues these controlling and abusive behaviours brought about for both women and men (and any other minority who has been marginalized or abused) and work together to support their healing and movement towards equality.

But we will now also be addressing the real cause. The misuse of the male energy. Recent events have brought male aggression to the surface.

The recent focus of the rampant misuse of power and sexual misconduct have given us all cause to examine our pasts. Many women are discussing their experiences, however subtle, among themselves.

Some are probing their pasts to see if they were ever treated unfairly – because of their gender, sexual orientation, or of another having power over them – and how and why this was allowed to happen. Many men who have been sexually mistreated or abused are also breaking their silence.

And there is support from all levels of society for those who are stepping forward. Women and men who have been manipulated, sexually maligned, or even sexually abused are eager to find their voice and step into their empowerment. Be allowed to recover their sacred selves.

Some courageous men are also examining their conscience to determine if they have held or have acted upon any of the negative aspects of the patriarchal attitudes our society is based on. Most must be afraid to look. Our society is built on judgment and blame, not on understanding why we do what we do, so their fear is justified.

Just like we have to create the space for women to heal, we also have to create the space for men to heal – in safety. But before healing comes acknowledgement. We can only acknowledge something when we know there is safety in the knowing.

When we understand that all our negative and disempowering attitudes and actions are a left-over affect of our past history, recognize that we can change them, and believe that we will be supported in our efforts, safe havens will be created to examine and deal with disempowering attitudes and behaviors towards others.

Most men’s attitudes and behaviors towards women are fair. In light of recent events, some men may be examining their attitudes, motives, or behaviors and decide to make minor shifts. And of course, any manipulative or outright abusive behavior, or any kind or criminal actions need to be treated appropriately.

The Importance of Balancing Our Male and Female Energies

We don’t manifest here on earth to be abusive, controlling, or power-hungry. However, we were all born into a society that endorsed and promoted it – and still does to a certain degree.

Men too are eager to step into their sacred masculinity – to learn to use their power wisely and as was intended. It may not be at the forefront of their awareness, but many are feeling rumblings within their beings that something is off. And a new wave of pioneers are stepping up to guide us.

Today some brave and enlightened souls (see links below for Katz and Eisenstein) are stepping forward to address the negative attitudes of our patriarchal society head-on.

They are attempting to unravel it all. To explain how to recognize any subtle attitudes men may hold that undermine others that they are not aware of.  To encourage them to address and make amends – if necessary – for any negative and/or disempowering attitudes or patterns of behaviour they may hold or have held regarding women, or men with the dominant female energy.

We are all being guided towards understanding why we do what we do, to question our motives, and to take responsibility for how our attitudes and behaviors affect others.

It is a wonderful time to be alive – and a bit scary too – to witness and/or partake in this evolutionary stage we are in. In most areas of the world equality will blossom this century. It is our cosmic time to do so.

We just have to look at the young souls here on earth now – listen to how the youth of today think – and hopefully heed their advice and follow their lead. They have shown up on the planet at this time in our evolution – demanding fairness, equality, acceptance, and safety for all – so that they can help us all more clearly navigate our way to a brighter future.

We must always remember that extending love, fairness, and empowerment to others brings love, fairness, and empowerment into our lives.

Let’s allow for and support everyone in being authentic;

Of expressing their true natures – the fullness of their beings –

without fear of repercussions;

So that we too can express the fullness of our beings and become all that we can be.

Notation:

(1) G.W. Hesketh, The Soul of the Messenger (Nine Hawks Books; 2015). 62.

(2) Hesketh, 64.

~ Rosemary McCarthy©, March 2018.

See here for Drew Tracy’s video “Releasing Feminine Energy,”

See here for my Blog Post “We Are at the Pinnacle of Our Evolution.”

See here  for one of Dr. Jackson Katz’s many videos on violence against women being a man’s issue.

See here: For Charles Eisenstein’s article on healing the masculine.

————

This article/blog post is an expansion of concepts in my book,Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and  Science. “Book Synopsis” is found here 

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Copyright © 2018 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. To copy, share, or distribute this post simply ensure the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can contact me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.comBlessings and thank you kindly. Rosemary.

Relationships: Understanding that Our Differences that Cause Conflict actually Add Value

While most intimate relationships may be based on love and a commitment to enjoy life together, it is quite natural to experience conflicts.

We each hold distinct character traits and come from unique backgrounds and experiences. If we do not respect the differences these engender or allow space for expression, conflicts will develop.

Our intimate relationships bring with them many wonderful opportunities for joy and happiness. The companionship. Someone to share our passions with. Experiencing the myriad of life’s pleasures together. Creating a family or the bringing of families together.

However, because of the closeness of our intimate relationships, they can bring us face to face with misalignments from our True Self and the unconditional love it holds. All issues and conflicts are a result of this disconnect from this love inherent within us, but that is latent.

Connected to the unconditional love within, we respond calmly rather than react aggressively, or submissively, to what might otherwise feel as an affront. We do not need to be right, validated, or to prove ourselves worthy. We communicate with others in calm, respective, and compassionate ways because this connection allows for a sense of peacefulness within our being.

Disconnected from the unconditional love within, we may be aggressive, defensive, or controlling, and we may be driven by neediness. These will surely show up as issues or conflicts with our partner.

(This article/blog post is based on concepts in my book Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and Science. Book Synopsis is found here).

Archetypes Act As Conduits to Help Us, and to Strengthen Latent Qualities Within Us

Neediness causes push-and-pull scenarios. The needy one will want too much from their partner emotionally causing him or her to pull away. He or she will then become more demanding causing the other to pull away even further. Conflicts and hurt feelings will surely ensue.

We may have a deep-set fear of intimacy. Of being vulnerable. Of loss. Our intimate relationships usually challenge us to address these, as the highest purpose of our relationships is to bring out our fears – so that we can heal them.

Unhealed fears keep us living in mediocrity and on the surface level of our emotions. This keeps us distanced from our True Self and from the joy and true contentment it holds.

Coming up against our fears can cause us to behave in various ways within the relationship. Protective devices we put up create walls distancing us emotionally from our partner. Communication wanes. We may react with anger, aggression, or attempt to control the other or the situation. Or, we may become passive and further internalize whatever fear has surfaced without addressing it.

So there are many opportunities within our intimate relationships for one or both parties to feel hurt, misunderstood, or emotionally drained. These will create conflicts, and left unaddressed the issues can cause not only much frustration and unhappiness, they may well result in a break-down of the relationship.

People are only ever trying to get their needs met (whether they are real or perceived needs this is how the person feels at the moment) and these play out most easily in our couple relationships.

Like two out of control trains barreling toward each other on the same track,

couples often smash into each other just trying to get their needs met.

Relationships: Understanding that Our Differences that Cause Conflict actually Add Value

Differences that Often Create Conflict Actually Add Value 

We are inclined to try to have our partners think, act, and feel the way we do. However, making a partnership work involves accepting our differences and embracing the qualities that each brings to the table.

Admittedly, this is easier said than done. Once the honeymoon phase is over and real life sets in, seeing the positive aspects of the other often goes by the wayside. As with everything else in life, we have to consciously focus on the positive. When we do this, we give the positive aspects of the other a fertile place to grow.

Along with our fears and defensiveness, our differences, idiosyncrasies, and various ways of navigating life that show up in our relationships can be a breeding ground for conflict – unless we deal with them calmly, honestly, and with understanding.

Any neediness, agendas, or protective mechanisms we put on the other will follows us until we deal with them. The highest purpose of our close relationships is to heal any misalignments we may hold.

A Course in Miracles considers any relationship where we get to work out and make peace with what comes up a “holy relationship.” Acknowledging, addressing, and overcoming what keeps us from being aligned with our True Self is a holy, sacred undertaking.

It is by working through any negative reactions or defensiveness that come up when in contact with others that helps us connect to our True Self. We then feel peaceful within our self.

Looking past our differences with others brings us closer to acknowledging the Oneness we all share. We then feel peace with others.

We often marry or choose partners with opposite personalities, but with many qualities we like and appreciate. However, what we like is only part of his or her personality make-up.

For example, the person who is organized and gets the bills paid may annoy us by being more focused on money, organization, or routine than we like.

Or, we might be partnered up with someone who is more spontaneous than we are and who brings excitement to the family, but their inability to keep to schedules may irritate us.

We are attracted to and partner up with another for many of the reasons I mentioned above, but also for practical every day ones. It may be to help and support each other in family or work life, or to balance each other out in practical ways. Bills need to be paid and budgets adhered to or chaos ensues. Spontaneity keeps things alive and fun.

We can choose to focus on the positive aspects of our partner and praise them for the valuable qualities he or she brings to the partnership, or we can berate our spouse for the aspects of his or her personality that annoy us.

It is easiest to be accepting of our partner when we can see the differences as a blessing, recognizing that as he or she navigates life differently than we do it adds value to our relationship.

Instead of seeing our differences as sources of conflict, we can see them as sources of healing. Making peace with and accepting the differences we share with our significant other brings self-healing, moves us closer to our wholeness, and helps us grow spiritually. And it creates more harmony in our life and around us.

Relationships: Understanding that Our Differences that Cause Conflict actually Add Value

Couples and Their Misalignments

All our relationships are opportunities to heal, grow spiritually, and become our Best Self. Our intimate relationships are the perfect vehicle for this healing because we are usually relating to someone with different backgrounds, character traits, and misalignments from their True Self.

Everyday life provides us many opportunities to make peace with whatever presents itself that causes negative reactions in us, whether outwardly or inwardly.

We can make peace with how the other person is behaving. We can make an effort to be patient and understanding.  

We can attempt to understand the basis for any negative reaction we have had. And we have to forgive our self for how we may have behaved.

From time to time most of us default to some attitudes or behaviors that come from being misaligned from the unconditional love inherent, but often latent, within us. Attempting to forgive and make peace with the differences we have with others moves us closer to embracing that unconditioal love.

Couples with Similar Percentages of Misalignment.

We usually pair up with another person who shares a similar percentage of misalignment from his or her True Self as we do. These misalignments can show up as completely different issues or they may complement each other.

For example, one partner may be inclined toward anger and the other is judgmental. One may be controlling while the other succumbs to victimization.

Until we understand that the highest purpose of our relationships is to help us unearth and heal our misalignments, these different ways of being will bring conflicts into our relationships – unless we are an easy-going person able to find peace with every situation.

An angry, aggressive, controlling person who projects all this onto their partner must understand that their need to control is hurting the other, as well as the relationship.

If the aggressor truly wants their partner to be happy and to have a harmonious relationship, he or she must attempt to change and/or to work on the root cause. Finding their calm center will not only benefit their partner it will benefit them too.

Similarly, a submissive partner’s healing lies in the recognition of his or her passivity. They too must attempt to understand the root cause and work to find their own power-base.

When both parties understand what is happening and are willing to work together to figure out solutions, barriers breakdown, individual healing begins, conflicts start to abate, and the relationship will improve.

Couples with a Disproportionate Percentage of Misalignment

While most couples may have a similar percentage of misalignments, some people may find themselves partnered with someone who has a disproportionate amount of misalignment to them. This, however, is the exception.

When this happens, the one living more in tune with his or her True Self is meant to hold the light for the other to see what alignment looks like, what they can eventually aim for, how to feel at peace with them self, and what it takes to create a peaceful, loving, and harmonious relationship.

Relationships: Understanding that Our Differences that Cause Conflict actually Add Value

The one with the less percent of misalignment does not usually engage in or pursue conflict, nor live in a reactionary state. This usually causes much frustration for the one living from a negative Default Position as they usually have many Protective Mechanisms at play.

The reactive partner is often very frustrated with the peacemaker. They feel that cajoling, pushing, and demanding is the best way to go about life. And when others refuse to engage they are further angered. When questioned they often resort to defensive tactics.

They believe pushing against things is being empowered and see their partner’s easy-going attitude or non-aggressive approach as weak.

They are wrong, because pushing against life only allows for more frustrations and brings more conflict and push-backs into our sphere – as the Law of Attraction dictates. (See my posts on the Universal Laws on my blog. Link is below)

This article/blog post is an expanded excerpt from chapter 5,  “Relationships” in my book Your Journey to Peace … Synopsis is found is found here 

Rosemary McCarthy©, February 2018

Following the book’s Facebook page ensures you receive new articles/posts as soon they are posted. The link is at the bottom of this page.

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Click here to read the January issue.

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Copyright © 2018 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. To copy, share, or distribute this post simply ensure the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can contact me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.comBlessings and thank you kindly. Rosemary.

Partnering up Consciously ⁄ Separating Consciously (part 2/2)

This Part 2 goes with my last post: As We Continue to Evolve Our Relationships Will Improve.  (link at bottom of this article)

The more we evolve, the more we will be able to easily trust that our hearts are showing us a true picture when choosing a life-partner (or even friends or a business partner).

We will no longer need to be so wary of our unconscious influences luring us into bad situations or have to be so vigilant at continuously examining our emotions, desires, or motives.

Nor will we have to be so cautious of others’ motives. As we will be working at high vibration capacities, our radars will be well attuned to the vibrations of others and if something is off we will cue into it quickly.

The greater our connection to our True Self the more we feel guided towards partners based on true soul parings where we encourage each other to be the best we can be.

And because our strength and self-confidence comes from within, we are not invested in changing our partner or making them acquiesce to our desires.

We also understand that our partner gets his or her strength and guidance from their True Self, and if that guidance is calling them to move on from the relationship we will not be so inclined towards drama, anger, revenge, or the plethora of negative responses breaking up has caused in the past. As well as partnering up consciously, we can also separate consciously.

(This article/blog post is based on concepts in my book Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and Science. Book Synopsis is found here).

Archetypes Act As Conduits to Help Us, and to Strengthen Latent Qualities Within Us

In our most recent history an intact family provided the foundations we needed to grow emotionally healthy, and when divorce or separations occurred, even if the family life was not perfect, the children felt like the rug was pulled out from under them.

This sense of loss is somewhat due to changed circumstances, but much of it is due to the way we separate and divorce. The sense of security children feel when surrounded by unconditional love when growing up is like God’s unconditional love for us.

As we become more evolved individually and are more closely connected to our True Selves, our separations will occur without the dire effects that has been so common and fueled by hurt, anger, rage, revenge, and blame.

We are already encouraging our children to look into their hearts and trust their inner guidance, and so their connection to their True Self is stronger than in past generations. This gives them an inner-strength that follows them everywhere.

As couples are inspired to separate or divorce with integrity, they will honor the promises made and will be able to agree on shared child rearing duties, day-to-day obligations, and fair distribution of finances. The children will then be much less inclined to internalize the effects of the break-up and succumb to dysfunctional attitudes or behaviors, or pass on the effects of unresolved issues regarding their parents’ separation onto their own children.

This article/blog post is a continuation of my last post. Both are excerpts from chapter 5, “Relationships” in my book Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and Science. The chapter titles are listed in the “Book Synopsis” of this website and found Book Synopsis is found here

~ Rosemary McCarthy©, January 2018

Related article Conditional Love / Conflicting Messages can be accessed here

Click here for my blog page with many articles on our personal, collective, and planetary journeys to peace.

Available in print and e-book formats, click here to be directed to links to various booksellers, like Amazon, Chapters (Canada) erc.

To sign up for my newsletter, email me at rosemary@yourjourneytopeaee.com 

Click here to read the January issue. 

Click here to read the February issue. 

If you appreciate this article, I invite you to leave a review on the book’s website found here or on its Face Book page found here 

Available in print and e-book formats; links to the various booksellers are found here. 

You can share this article as long as you include the full copyright message below. If you share through Facebook (a link is below), the message will automatically copy.

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Copyright © 2018 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. To copy, share, or distribute this post simply ensure the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can contact me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.comBlessings and thank

As We Continue to Evolve Our Relationships Will Improve (Part 1 / 2)

(Part 2, Partnering up Consciously ⁄ Separating Consciously is found on link below).

Relationships are the vehicle that best allow us work out our issues – our pains, fears, reactionary styles, protective devices and all other unconscious influences that keep us from feeling peaceful, living in harmony with others, and becoming our Best Self.

This is especially true in our familial relationships – and in particular with our significant others.

Often we are drawn to one another so that we get together to love, help, support each other in life, to work through our unconscious influences, and/or to play out what our soul contracts dictate.

Issues that come out in our relationships are opportunities to work through them. This is always a good thing and in doing so we grow spiritually. So working towards healing a relationship is most often recommended.

However, sometimes the chemistry people feel with each other does not necessarily have to end in a long or even short-term relationship.

A heart connection with a strong chemical attraction may be a left-over energetic pull from a past-life association. We may have an unfinished lesson to learn with the other and we are only to get together for a time (a reason or a season), learn the lesson, and then move on.

It may also be that we are not meant to act on the connection we feel, and the lesson to learn through the energetic pull we feel towards the other is to rise above the chemistry and use discretion in choosing a partner.

Relationships create emotional entanglements and the unraveling from those based in neediness or left-over energetic pulls that hold drama usually carry unpleasantness and emotional pain.

As the effects of this Shift continue to encourage us to find joy, a lightness in life, and release our unconscious influences, all aspects of our relationships will improve. Current relationships will become healthier, as the conflicts that have their roots in seriousness, neediness, Perceived Needs, Hidden Agendas, and Protective Mechanism will begin to dissolve.

As we start to become more mindful, those of us entering into new relationships will choose our partners more consciously. We will feel empowered enough to seek out people whose character, lifestyle, and values complement and align with ours.

These pairings will have many less conflicts than those based in neediness and unconscious influences, but when conflicts do arise they will be resolved with calmness and integrity.

Children will benefit greatly from these attitudes. Many young parents today are already parenting consciously and embrace many of the concepts in Shefali Tsabary’s ground-breaking book, The Conscious Parent.

This article/blog post is an excerpt from chapter 5, “Relationships” in my book Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and  Science.  The chapter titles are listed in the “Book Synopsis” of this website found here 

– Rosemary McCarthy © , January 2018

Link to Part 2, Partnering up Consciously ⁄ Separating Consciously is found here  

Click here for my blog page with many articles on our personal, collective, and planetary journeys to peace.

Available in print and e-book formats, click here to be directed to links to various booksellers, like Amazon, Chapters (Canada) erc.

To sign up for my newsletter, email me at rosemary@yourjourneytopeaee.com 

Click here to read the January issue. 

Click here to read the February issue. 

If you appreciate this article, I invite you to leave a review on the book’s website found here or on its Face Book page found here 

You can share this article as long as you include the full copyright message below. If you share through Facebook (a link is below), the message will automatically copy.

———————–

Copyright © 2018 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. To copy, share, or distribute this post simply ensure the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can contact me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.comBlessings and thank you kindly. Rosemary.

Relationships: The Cavern between “You and Others” Is in Direct Relationship to the Cavern between “You and You”

The hurts or conflicts that arise in our relationships are mostly due to unconscious influences that run our lives. I say mostly, because for some, conflicts within our relationships are due to a mismatch, or it has served its purpose and we are meant to take our cues and move on.

For others, conflicts arise because the relationship needs to shift and change to meet new circumstances, or one of the individuals is making life-altering changes that affects the relationship.

When we do not heed the signals and make the necessary adjustments, compromises, do a bit or self-reflection, or seek help for a relationship that is in throws of changes, the hurts and conflicts will continue and worsen and both parties suffer unnecessarily.

Sometimes a relationship even ends that could be saved and a family kept intact because of the inability of one or both or parties to face his or her part of its breakdown. Except for when the relationship has played out and is intended to end, we are meant to work through our hurts and conflicts with those in our lives.

One of the higher purposes of relationships, whether it be with a life-partner, a sibling, a parent-child or child-parent bond, an extended family member, a friend, or even a long-term working partnership, is for the unconscious influences of both parties to the surface – for healing.

And except for the rare occasion where one party feels empowered in life and is the “light-holder” and stabilizer to the other as they work through a huge misalignment from their power base and feel and act within the confines of disempowerment, both in the relationship are usually misaligned to the same degree. These misalignments would not necessarily show up in the same way, but the degree of misalignment would be similar.

Feeling empowered in life comes from being connected to our power base, which comes from a strong connection to our True Self – of “us-to-us.” (True Self is defined below, and I used the term as synonymous with Source energy, Spirit, higher Self, God, etc.).

This connection gives us our confidence allowing us to reach for what we want in life, while doing so with integrity. We are able to become our Best Self.

Law of Expansion - Universal Law 6 (of 6)

When this connection is strong, we don’t allow people to push their neediness onto us, take advantage of us, or emotionally manipulate us. Nor do we get unnecessarily involved in their dramas.

When we feel disempowered in life we are disconnected from our power base and our connection to our True Self – of “us-to-us” is weak.

This lack of connection breeds low self-confidence and we have trouble reaching for or achieving what we want in life and what makes us happy.

Having a low confidence level, we may be indecisive, lack the courage to take risks and make things happen, and we may even undermine our efforts by making bad choices or backing away from opportunities.

We often feel at the beck and call of others and circumstances. This all frustrates us, makes us lash out at those around us, which further distances us from our True Self.

As we take things personally, we often feel hurt by others’ words, actions, or inactions. We then either blame them for our unhappiness creating conflict in the relationship, or we internalize the feelings creating more inner-turmoil.

We all navigate life differently, and differences are a natural and healthy part of normal relationships. Hurts and conflicts arise because we can’t accept the other’s different ways of going about life  and/or respect their differing opinions.

The expectations we bring into our relationship also have a major impact on whether our relationship with be harmonious or filled with chaos.

When our connection to our True Self is strong we can easily deal with the different way the other approaches life and our expectations from the relationship are reasonable and above-board.

However, when our connection to our True Self is weak and the other’s personality or way of dealing with life is different than ours we often internalize this as an affront, and conflicts ensue.

Attempting to make up for the weak connection to our True Self we also bring unconscious expectations into our relationships assuming the other will fill that void. When they don’t, we feel hurt, disappointed, and become disillusioned with the relationship.

These negative and unrealistic ways of dealing with others (and situations) come from unconscious influences we created at some point in our lives that play out in our attitudes and behaviors.

These unconscious influences affect our connection to our True Self. Our attitudes and behaviors develop in response to how we experienced or perceived life from within our familial and cultural backgrounds – with our internalizing of these experiences highly influenced by our innate personalities.

This is why people brought up in the same household can be so different in their outlook and approach to life. If the influences we internalized instilled confidence, hope, positivity, autonomy, and lightness into our being, our connection to our True Self would remain strong.

However, if we unknowingly allowed these influences to cause us to become negative, pessimistic, or needy, to have low-self esteem or feel that life is heavy and a struggle, our connection to our True Self becomes weakened.

When we internalized our past influences as generally positive, we are able to navigate life without much difficulty or conflict. We can attain what we want in life because we feel empowered, as the connection to our power-base has remained strong.

When our past influences cause us to view and respond to life negatively, we may act in counterproductive ways that undermine our efforts and that create conflict with others. This makes our life seem difficult and what we want in life hard to achieve because we feel disempowered: our connection is weak.

This disconnect creates a cavern between “us and us” as our power-base lies in our connection to our True Self.  It is where we find the strength and integrity to become our Best Self, and the fortitude to keep it.

Below are some of the developed attitudes and behaviors that keep us disconnected from our power-base and True Self making life seem difficult and keeping us in conflict with others:

NEEDINESS

We often bring our emotional neediness into our relationships, but are unaware that we are expecting our partner, child, parent, or friend to answer those needs. When they do not, we are hurt, become upset, and conflict often ensues.

Our need may be personal: to feel loved, appreciated, validated, or served hand and foot. They may be more general: to become wealthy, powerful, famous, achieve a great success, or have a big happy family.

It is not that these desires always bring negative results to our life or relationships, as having goals and desires can be a good thing, but when they come from an unconscious need to fill a void or fulfill and unmet past need, they hold an insatiable element.

We become self-centered as this need is most often at the forefront of our thoughts and actions and it takes precedence over any consideration for the desires or needs of those around us.

We also become defensive of our efforts to fulfill our perceived need, and blind to another’s attempts to compromise or work with us toward a favorable outcome for both. We are difficult to deal with and conflict in the relationship is inevitable.

RESPONSIVENESS

We all have a Default Position: it can be Neutral, Reactionary, or Passive. (Definition of Default Position below)

Neutral Responses:

Neutral responses come from feeling empowered. When we respond to others or situations neutrally, we respond to the matter at hand, do so calmly, and without a need to defend our positions.

We do not react emotionally because we do not bring in issues from the past, nor thoughts or fears of the future – which all hold an emotional component.

We can still disagree and say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done, but we do so respectfully, and with honesty and integrity. We come from a place of confidence and empowerment – of gentle strength, not weakness and aggressiveness.

Our connection to our power-base and True Self is strong so we are emotionally balanced, therefore we don’t feel the need to address how others act, or respond to what they say or do aggressively, because we don’t take things personally. And we are strong in our own convictions, so we don’t have the need to defend our positions.

Reactionary Responses:

When we react to others or situations aggressively, are defensive, or throw blame around, we are projecting our hurts, disappointments, or expectations upon the other or the situation.

We feel that what they said or did was an affront to us. We might perceive someone voicing an opinion as them criticizing us, when they are simply conveying how they feel about something.

When someone cuts us off in traffic we may feel they are doing it to us, whereas the other person is simply attempting to get to where they need to go, albeit in an inappropriate way.

Others’ attitudes or actions are no reflection on us, and allowing them to disturb us or cause us to react strongly is counterproductive to our peace of mind.

When a loved one is late or misses a date we had made together and we are hurt and feel they do not love or appreciate us we are taking it personally – when it likely had nothing to do with us. They may have simply been extra busy at work, been unavoidably delayed, or had a lot on their mind and forgot.

Passive Responses:

Passive responses come from feeling disempowered. Although passive responses may appear to be neutral, as there are no blatant outward signs, they are very different because passive responses hold an emotional component – just like aggressive ones.

Sometimes the hurts, feelings, disappointments, or perceived injustices are not voiced at all, while at other times they are, but are tinged with so much emotion and/or neediness that the other individual turns a blind ear.

In both cases, we are not heard. Either way, the emotions are internalized affecting both the individual and the relationship. These internalizations harm us because buried emotions add another layer to the cavern between “us and us,” and our connection to our True Self is further weakened.

Passive responses harm the relationship because as our true feelings are not voiced (or heard) we have not addressed the hurt or disappointment we feel, and we remain inwardly angry towards the other for not understanding or taking into consideration our feelings, or seeing our viewpoint.

And if we are do try to make our self heard but are ineffective, before we approach the subject again, reflecting on our approach last time and possibly adjusting it could help getting heard this time.

We can ask ourselves:

  • Are we being needy – only thinking about our needs and perspective?
  • Are we negative – only focusing on what is wrong?
  • Are we overly emotional – crying at any perceived slight or criticism?

Could we be acting passive aggressively – signing or putting on a sad face rather than sharing our thoughts or feelings?

Whether we elect these attitudes because we don’t like to speak our mind, are unable to articulate or feel embarrassed by what we feel, or are simply trying to keep the peace against an aggressive person, passive attitudes do not bring long term solutions.

Not only is the issue not addressed or resolved, but the approach may even backfire, as buried feelings come out – one way or another – and may one day cause a major blow-up from where there is not turning back.

Passive responses create and increase the cavern between “us-and-another,” because until we address and resolve the issue with them that caused the feelings we buried, each future interaction is tainted. Hurts remain at the forefront of our emotions and any new or positive communication has to work hard to get through them.

We can certainly live happy and fulfilling lives without being completely in touch with our True Self, are enlightened, or fully aligned to Source. In fact, most of us do.

Very few of us are completely connected, so most of us are somewhat misaligned, and these show up in many ways and in many degrees. This is why some hurt and conflict exists in most relationships.

Nonetheless, if we navigate the conflicts that arise with compromise and compassion, keep our disparaging emotions at bay, forgive how the other’s misalignments show up, and accept their idiosyncrasies, we can easily live a harmonious life.

It helps to be aware of our unconscious influences, or at least make peace with how our misalignments show up, otherwise there will always be the cavern between “us-and-us” as we are not living close enough to our core – we are living superficially, with no connection to the truth of who we are.

This causes us to relate superficially to others. A cavern will always exist between “us-and-others” until we close that gap between “us-and-us.”

 

True Self: The truth or memory of who you really are—free of any unconscious influences. (chapter 1)

Best Self: We are our Best Self when we are aligned with our True Self. This manifests as happiness, acceptance of life and our circumstances, and connection to that part of our self that feels empowered, confident, assured, loving, giving, and emotionally healthy. (chapter 1)

Our Default Position: The reactionary, nonreactionary, or responsive way of dealing with others or situations. We respond with either aggression, passivity, or neutrality. (chapter 1).

This  article/blog post is based on my book, Your Journey to Peace … Book Synopsis is found here.

– © Rosemary McCarthy, March, 2017, updated January 2018

Following the book’s Facebook page ensures you receive new articles/posts as soon they are posted. The link is at the bottom of this page.

Click here for my blog page with many articles on our personal, collective, and planetary journeys to peace.

Available in print and e-book formats, click here to be directed to links to various booksellers, like Amazon, Chapters (Canada) erc.

To sign up for my newsletter, email me at rosemary@yourjourneytopeaee.com 

Click here to read the January issue. 

Click here to read the February issue. 

Click here for the March issue.

If you appreciate this article, I invite you to leave a review on the book’s website found here or on its Face Book page found here 

You can share this article as long as you include the full copyright message below. If you share through Facebook (link is below) the message will automatically copy.

Below is a peek into more in the book:

 Improving our attitudes helps change the world, as every shift in attitude affects the vibration of the Planet as a whole. (Introduction).What Is Held in Our Minds Is Reflected onto the World Stage. (Chapter 1, Why We Are the Way We Are)

Our capacity to love others is in direct relationship to how much we love ourselves. (Chapter 3, What We Can Do About It).

Our Relationships Are Pre-set Soul Contracts: The highest purpose of our relationships is to work out our unconscious influences: our fears, neediness, vulnerabilities, misperceptions, and false notions about love. They are set up to bring these misalignments from our True Self to the surface – for healing. This is why we find our close relationships so difficult.  (Chapter 5, Relationships)

We are not exercising true free will if we live under the tutelage of unconscious influences. (Chapter 6, Words, Symbols, Rituals, Concepts, Prayers).

We can reconcile our apparent relationship with extra-terrestrials with our belief systems. (Chapter 7, Science).

Our planet is a living, breathing organism … and just like us she has to cleanse herself of toxins – the physical and emotional toxins we have put upon her. (Chapter 9, The Planet and Abundance).

At levels beyond our awareness we chose to be here at this time of ‘The Shift’ to help bring about our and Gais’s Ascensions. (Chapter 10, Ascension).

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Copyright © 2017 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. To copy, share, or distribute this article simply ensure the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can contact me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.com. Blessings, and thank you kindly.

Relationships and Our “Love Languages”

This article has been updated. To see newest version, see here.

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We all have differing personalities and ways of navigating life. We all have varying emotional needs. Many of us are sensitive to how others treat and appreciate us and our efforts, and this is especially true in our intimate relationships. None of us are completely free of unconscious influences from our past that affect how we perceive life, and these can make extra sensitive. This shows up as our vulnerabilities, and affects how we perceive what our partner is saying or doing and how we respond to him or her. We may even seem overly needy to our partner if he or she doesn’t understand our vulnerabilities, or if they choose to minimize or brush them off a silly. This is why trust, communication, and creating a “safe haven” for each in the partnership to show the other their fears, emotional barometer, and vulnerabilities is vital. So is being sensitive to our partner’s needs – even if we don’t understand them. We all are somewhat needy for love, as most of us are not fully connected to the love within our True Self, so we all need to feel loved from those close to us.

We all have different ways we express our love to our partner, but we also have different ways we interpret love from our partner. What makes one feel loved, may seem like an empty gesture to another. This is because we all have our own internal way of feeling loved. Part of really showing our love to our partner is understanding and acting in accordance with what Gary Chapman calls our “love language.”(1)

If we were completely aligned to the love within us 100% of the time, we would not need any specific expression of our partner’s (or anyone else’s) love for us. However, as we are not all fully aligned with our True Self and are just doing our best to deal with our inner worlds and their unconscious influences, we need those close to us, and especially our spouse, to express their love to us in ways we can feel it.

In Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, he tells us that learning our partner’s love language is paramount to understanding how to show them our love. Listed below are Chapman’s Five Love Languages. (1)

Love Language 1: Words of Affirmation: We are not often taught to use encouraging, kind, and humble words, so as adults we do not tend to use positive affirmations of love. Complimenting and showing appreciation to a partner who needs to hear love and appreciation voiced is fundamental in communicating our love to them. Receiving positive reinforcements makes them much more willing and motivated to fulfill their partner’s desires.

Love Language 2: Quality Time: For many, togetherness and quality time is vital to feeling loved. Having quality conversations and heartfelt sharing encourages intimacy for them, and listening attentively when he or she speaks from their heart is paramount.

Love Language 3: Receiving Gifts: Gifts are important in relationships because they are tactile and visual symbols of love, particularly if our partner requires physical manifestations as a sign of our love. So bringing them gifts, especially for no reason at all, as well as ensuring we know what they would like as a gift makes them feel loved.

Love Language 4: Acts of Service: The act of being served is how some partners feel loved. Both small and large gestures will please a partner who feels loved by being served. Small gestures like making him or her supper for no reason, keeping their car fueled up and washed, or offering to babysit so our partner can get away with the guys or gals keeps him or her feeling loved and appreciated. He or she will then be able to respond more lovingly.

Love Language 5: Physical Touch: Any act of physical touch will express love to someone who requires touch as an indicator of love. A simple brush as you walk by, a hug or kiss as you leave or come home, or a massage for no particular reason will keep the necessary physical communication open that the other needs. A healthy sex life is paramount to the partner whose love language is touch. (1)

We must also understand that any attempt or gesture to show our love to our partner should be appreciated as such, even when it is in ways that do not fulfill our particular love needs. When living at our highest potentials we would not need any outward signs of our partner’s love for us as we would be getting that from our connection to our True Self. However, since most of us are not there yet and have been programmed to get our love cues from the external, until we find our way back to wholeness it is important to recognize how our partner feels our love. At the same time, we must show appreciation to our partner for any effort he or she makes to show their love and appreciation, no matter how feeble their attempt seems to us.

Endnote

(1) Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 1992), 37–121.

© Rosemary McCarthy, October, 2016

This article is based on and an expansion of the sub-section “Expressing Our Love” within the main section “Making It Work” from chapter 5, Relationships.

You can share this article with others including the © notation below. When you share through Facebook (link is below), it is automatically copied.

Below is a little peak at other concepts discussed the book:

Improving our attitudes helps change the world, as every shift it attitude affects the vibration of the Planet as a whole. (Introduction)

The need to fill a void within ourselves manifests itself in the demands we put on others or in our incessant striving for material possessions and status.  (Chapter 1, Why We Are the Way We Are)

Our capacity to love others is in direct relationship to how much we love ourselves. (Chapter 3, What We Can Do About It)

Our Relationships Are Pre-set Soul Contracts.  We manifest together so that we can help each other in life, but also to work our unconscious influences. (Chapter 5, Relationships)

We are not exercising true free will if we live under the tutelage of unconscious influences. (Chapter 6, Words, Symbols, Rituals, Concepts, Prayers).

We can reconcile our apparent relationship with extra-terrestrials with our belief systems. (Chapter 7, Science).

Our planet is a living, breathing organism … and just like us she has to cleanse herself of toxins – the physical and emotional toxins we have put upon her. (Chapter 9, The Planet and Abundance)

At levels beyond our awareness we chose to be here at this time of ‘The Shift’ to help bring about our and Gais’s Ascensions.  (Chapter 10, Ascension).

——————–

Copyright © 2016 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. You may only copy, share and distribute this article provided that the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can contact me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.com. Blessings.

 

Keeping our Relationships Strong: Steps to Healing a Broken Relationship:

You can read more about the book this article is based on by clicking on “Book Synopsis” above.

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Relationship or marriage crisis or breakdowns occur for many reasons. As family, career, or other interests take precedence, couples who may have once been happy stop putting each other first and listening to each other. Sometimes an affair is the catalyst that brings the relationship to the crisis point, however in this case, or for other reasons, there are usually deeper issues that create the breakdown. Loss of unity of purpose distances couples.

If communication wanes, then the ever-important hashing out of hurts and expectations disappears. Without communication, respect cannot be maintained. For some, one person in the partnership has been ignored for years continuously feeling dejected and has had enough, for other couples one has given up trying to appease their pushy and aggressive partner realizing they don’t have a voice in the relationship.

For others, the couple hasn’t nurtured the relationship enough, and sometimes they never cultivated joy and light-heartedness. It may be that one of them has simply gotten overwhelmed and exhausted in life; this often happens because as a couple, they didn’t address or manage their life properly. Breakdowns are also sometimes fueled by the shoulds in our minds, can be influenced by our extended families, social circles, or communities, as well as by our jobs or careers.

There are as many ways to make relationships work as there are relationships, as there are many reasons relationship breakdown. There are many commonalities to happy relationships where both parties are contented and fulfilled, and there are many commonalities to relationships where there is conflict, or where one or both parties are unhappy.

None of us are perfect, and no relationship is without disagreements and conflict. It is how we treat the other person, react to their personality, strengths, weaknesses, and ways of navigating life, and how we cope with the differences between us and the conflicts that arise that will impact the success, happiness, and longevity of our intimate relationship. We all hold unconscious influences that impact how we deal with others, so to keep our relationship healthy we must be conscious of how our partner internalizes our attitudes, actions, and reactions, as well as how we internalize theirs. There are many ways we can deal with our different personalities and the sensitivities we all have that could create conflict; and there are many ways we can give the relationship a boost to help create a loving, and harmonious home.

We Must Show our Partner that He or She Matters. One of the best ways to show the other they matter to us is to make them feel they are our best friend. To show this, we must communicate with them often, in many ways, and on different levels. A touch, a kind or supporting word, or even sharing the good and bad aspects of our day brings us closer. We must show them they can trust us with their fears, vulnerabilities, and dreams, and we must trust them with ours. We must also carve our “special” time for romance – whatever that means to us. We must let the other know that what he or she feels and has to say matters to us, and that their input into the various aspects of our life together is important. No matter what has happened in our day, we want our partner to feel seen and heard. We also want them to be happy to see us.

We Must Really Listen to Our Partner: It is important to really listen to the words our partner speaks – and to the intention behind the words. And even though we may try to listen attentively, sometimes we still do not really hear what the other are saying. We may also only half listen or become impatient, or tune out if our partner becomes overly emotional, critical, or aggressive. We may also be in denial of a situation that must be addressed, or refuse to hear what the other is saying as doing so would required us making changes we are not prepared to make.

We Must Ensure We Are Heard: Sometimes we are not heard, cannot get our point across, or our partner refuses to listen. We may have differing communication styles and he or she becomes impatient, or they may be loud, controlling, or aggressive and always want their way and are used to bullying us into giving in. This causes us to become frustrated and feel disempowered, and our feelings get buried. When our partner cannot or will not hear us, sometimes we simply have to be strong and state our bottom-lines. However, when doing so we have to say what we want to say calmly and without big emotions. Nonetheless, us finally standing our ground may shock our partner and a disagreement may ensue. When this happens, we need to disengage from the argument. However uncomfortable, facing the issue of not being heard can save the relationship. Not expressing our feelings or preferences, or never giving our point of view will eventually cause a rupture in the relationship, one way or another, and if we wait too long it may not be salvageable. Separations and divorce are way more disruptive and uncomfortable than facing our issues – and we go through it alone. Most of us deep down want our relationships to work, and our partner may surprise us once we get going on healing it. And not only do we end up working through it together, the relationship usually ends up way stronger and more satisfying than it ever was.

Building Trust and Creating Communication With Our Partners: We built trust and create good communication with our partners with how we behave every day: by with attitudes, actions, or inaction; by being open, honest, speaking from the heart, and listening with open hearts to our partners; by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, forgiving the other, and accepting forgiveness from him or her; and by saying what we mean, meaning what we say, and keeping the promises we have made. The combination of trust and good communication opens the door for us to feel safe within the partnership.

Creating a Safe Haven: Creating a safe haven for each in the partnership to express their fears, disappointments, and vulnerabilities, voice their frustrations, and to share their dreams – without fear of being ridiculed or shamed, goes a long way in creating and maintaining a healthy relationship. Sharing our concerns with our partner is vital, as when our sensitive issues are not voiced or understood by the other, an emotional barrier between us is created. Once a barrier is created it perpetuates itself and the cavern between the two people widens. Unexpressed emotions, fears, vulnerabilities, and unmet frustrations will find their way into other unrelated aspects of daily life, creating more conflict and confusion. A vicious cycle ensues, and unless one or the other addresses the emotional gap, a crisis eventually occurs.

We Must Focus on the Positive Aspects of the Other and the Relationship: Staying focused on the positive aspects of our partner and the relationship is vital to creating and maintaining a healthy relationship. Focusing on the negative aspects of our partner and the life we have created drives us into a downward spiral of negativity. Focusing on the positive aspects invites our relationship to spiral in an upward, uplifting direction. However, remaining positive and focusing on the what is good does not come naturally to many of us. We may have to make an effort at first, but we will soon see the benefits. We may have to dig deep to focus on the positive, and consciously create an atmosphere for the relationship to flourish.

We Must Cultivate Joy and Keep it Light: Fostering joy and allow for light-heartedness in our intimate relationships can waylay conflicts. It is so easy to fall into the trap of allowing the responsibilities of adulthood and family life to sap our joy and keep things serious and heavy. Not only does this bring us down individually, it takes the air out of the relationship. Make time to do things together that bring you both joy, and encourage the other to do the things that brings him or her joy. Plan light-hearted activities either alone, or with family or friends who know how to keep it light and don’t focus on drama. When we have tasted how tuning into joy and keeping things light can make us feel, it encourages us to let things go that we might otherwise take issue with that would create conflict in the relationship.

We Must Keep Healthy Boundaries within the Relationship. To do so we must ensure we are not being overly needy bringing deep emotional hurts from our past into the present; are not falling into passivity giving up making our point or ensuring the other hears us; or become unnecessarily impatient or aggressive not making time to listen to and really hear or understand what the other is feeling or their point of view.

Disagreements and minor conflicts will present themselves in all intimate relationships. However, we must always remember that our partner is doing his or her best, but is likely working within the confines of at least some unconscious influences. We all are. And if there is always conflict and one or the other in the relationship is unhappy, address the situation – either together, or individually if necessary. If our unconscious influences are getting in the way of having a happy and satisfying relationship, address them. When we cannot surmount them alone, we must get help. It is better to deal with what is causing the conflict and/or unhappiness than having to deal with a major relationship breakdown – or even a break-up or divorce. However, even when there is a major breakdown, there is still much we can do to save it.

In Love without Hurt Dr.Steven Stosny tells us that when a relationship has suffered “chronic resentment, anger or abuse, reestablishing a connection is not a fifty-fifty proposition.” (1) He explains that in the beginning, it may be as much as a “ninety-ten proposition” with the perpetrator doing most of the work. This is because it is easier for the one who was the aggressor to heal than the one who was subjected to aggressive attitudes and behaviors. Listed below is Dr. Stosny’s advice for maintaining a healthy relationship and steps to healing a broken one if a crisis occurs. (2)

1) Building Deep Connections: A deep connection to our partner makes both parties and the relationship stronger. We create these connections by how we show the other our love by shared values and a conviction in something larger than ourselves, be it a belief system, a humanitarian concern, or even a sociopolitical viewpoint. We can even choose to feel connected if the other does not, as when we make this mental shift our attitudes and behaviors change to reflect it, and this can elicit change in the other.

2) Lifelines: Couples must create emotional lifelines with each other and keep them open. This vital bond keeps us aligned to what is most important to the other and helps to keep the relationship healthy. He suggests that when we are apart we can regularly envision a “long, flexible lifeline,” like an invisible cord, that connects us and our partner. (3) This keeps us connected and can help the healing when we are annoyed with the other. And the more we imagine this lifeline, the stronger our connection so that no matter what our mood, what we are involved with, or where we are, we feel connected to the other.

3) The Power Love Formula: Dr. Stosny gives us four steps to “the power love formula:” small, everyday things we can do to keep our connection strong and open.

  • a) Acknowledge that our partner is important to us at “four crucial times in the day.”  1) Upon Waking, 2) Leaving the House; 3) Coming Home; 4) Going to Sleep. This acknowledgment can be a loving phrase, a kiss, or even a gentle touch—anything that is done with loving intention and conveys our love to the other.
  • b) Give “six hugs per day, holding each for six seconds.” Stosny explains that adopting this “six-by-six” formula of hugging and holding the other “in a full body embrace,” will override any physical distance couples may feel in their relationships. (5) As touching usually ceases at a certain point when one partner starts to feel unloved fueling a downward spiral, we have to rekindle the spark. He warns us though that we may have to fake it at first, as it will not feel natural to want to lovingly touch someone we are resentful of or angry with. Hugs not only help our relationship they increase serotonin levels and therefore our general feelings of emotional well-being, which can allow us to be more forgiving of and open to our partner.
  • c) Contract to love our partner: When we have lost the loving feeling, Dr. Stosny suggests we write and sign a contract every day at the same time of the day with a list declaring “how I will show my love for you everyday.” (6) It should be formal, encompassing the present and the future, but not long or complicated. He suggests that we write it based on the idea that if I love him/her, I would …. We then write out the details of how we have decided to show our partners how we love them in both the present and future.
  • d) Embrace the four Rs when we slip up: Breaking habits or letting go of resentments does not happen overnight. We will err and forget our promises and sometimes succumb to the habitual attitudes deep hurts encourage us to act upon. In Dr. Stosny’s program, he proposes that we embrace the four Rs when we succumb to old habits or fall prey to emotional outbursts.

The four R’s to use after we have slipped up in our relationship:

  1. Recover: Once we realize we have erred, we need to remind our self of our promises made and get our attitudes under control. If this happens only after the fact and we cannot talk to our partner, we can try to rebuild our connection by using our lifelines and send loving, positive thoughts to our partner.
  2. Repair: Make amends with our partner. If they reject our efforts, we need to try again and again, until they forgive us. The entire healing process takes time, so we must remain mindful that “the power lies in trying.” (7) Even though we might feel like retreating when our apologies are rejected, we must continue to try.
  3. Receive: We must be willing to receive the other’s attempts at repair, because at this point, it is not about who did what to whom. Stosny says that all attempts to repair are stepping-stones to a healthy relationship, and in that spirit, our “licence to pout and sulk is hereby suspended.” (8) He tells us to expect to be successful at rebuilding! Remembering that the ultimate goal is rebuilding the relationship will make accepting repair attempts easier.
  4. Reconnect: When feeling unloved or hurt, we always need to ask ourselves what a loving, invested partner would do. Even if our partner does not respond in the ways we want, we can uphold the spirit of our final goals: rebuilding connections, feeling love again, and creating a happy, healthy, and satisfying relationship.

Even though Dr. Stosny concurs with spiritual concepts that we are all ultimately responsible for our feelings and our happiness, he also puts forth that when one partner’s attitudes have not been loving or compassionate, the relationship itself has suffered. Being an entity in itself the relationship needs healing, hence the necessity for steps to repair it.

This article is an expansion of the sub- section “Marriage Crisis: Breakdowns, Breaking Points, and Healing” from the “Couples” section of chapter 5, Relationships.

 © Rosemary McCarthy, (originally posted October 2016,

updated April 2017)

You can access more articles on various subjects related to our personal, collective, and cosmic journeys through “View Archives” on the “Home Page.”

You can share this article with others using the © message below. When sharing through Facebook (link is below), the message automatically copies.

Below is a peek into a bit more in the book:

The truth of who we are lies quietly in wait just below the surface of any false illusions we may have inadvertently constructed. (Introduction).

Whether positive or negative, our unconscious beliefs act upon us without our consent, or real knowledge of why. (Chapter 1, Why We Are the Way We Are)

We were not sent away by a vengeful God, but as we bough into the ego or Satan’s deception that we had broken our connection to our Source, we were filled with remorse, guilt, and fear. Fear of retribution and the projection of that fear with its ensuing shame and guilt into judgment of others, is the basis of the human predicament. (Chapter 1)

Powerful shifts will occur in us when we acknowledge the truth of who we are, while at the same time reconcile the truth of who we are being. (Chapter 2, Universal Laws / Kingdom Principles)

Our capacity to love others is in direct relationship to how much we love ourselves. (Chapter 3, What We Can Do About It)

Don’t wallow in what you have or haven’t done—don’t get stuck in the darkness. (Chapter 4, Along the Way)

How we choose to live life “in the meantime” will likely be the deciding factor to our happiness, because most of our life is spent in the meantime. (Chapter 4).

The need to fill a void within ourselves manifests itself in the demands we put on others or the incessant striving for material possessions and status.  (Chapter 5, Relationships)

We yearn for intimacy, but the playing out of our unconscious influences drives us apart. Power struggles develop as we try to uphold our need for love and intimacy, while our Protective Mechanisms create boundaries around inner our world.   (Chapter 5).

Many have confused God’s revenge with the karmic Law of Balance and that of Cause and Effect playing out in our lives. (Chapter 6, Words, Symbols, Rituals, Concepts, Prayers).

Free will is our inheritance. However, we are not exercising true free will if we live under the tutelage of unconscious influences. (Chapter 6).

The Masters were not under the laws of the physical world, nor are we when we partner up with them, Spirit, God, or our higher Self, or invoke any who have attained those higher states. (Chapter 6).

We can reconcile our apparent relationship with extra-terrestrials with our belief systems. (Chapter 7, Science).

The electromagnetic fields we create from our heart chakras are at least forty times stronger than those created from our brains. (Christiane Northrup) (Chapter 7) ,

Traumatic situations are held in our cellular memory until they are dealt with: they sit there like open doors for ailments. (Chapter 8, Health and Healing; Death and Dying).

Our need to reconcile what we put upon the Indigenous peoples is in direct relationship to our country’s successful advancements. (Chapter 9, The Planet and Abundance)

Our planet is a living, breathing organism … and just like us she has to cleanse herself of toxins – the physical and emotional abuses we have put upon her. (Chapter 9).

At levels beyond our awareness we chose to be here at this time of ‘The Shift’ to help bring about our and Gais’s Ascensions. (Chapter 10, Ascension).

Hope is the harbinger that will keep that vibration pointed to where a brighter world may flourish. It is hope that will anchor in Ascension. (Chapter 11, The Future).

The Importance of Embracing Unity Consciousness (Conclusion).

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Copyright © 2016 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. You may only copy, share and distribute this article provided that the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain. and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can reach me at: rosemary@yourjourneytopeace.com. Blessings, and thank you kindly.

Endnotes

(1) Steven Stosny, Love without Hurt (Philadelphia, PA: Da Capo Press, 2008), 259.

(2) Ibid., 260-7.

(3) Ibid., 261

(4) Ibid., 262

(5) Ibid., 263

(6) Ibid., 265

(7) Ibid., 266

(8) Ibid.