Understanding and overcoming our reactive states helps heal our relationship. We can move from being highly reactive to responding calmly to others and situations – appropriate to what is going on at the moment. However, it does take some self-examination and connecting of the dots between our reactions and what lies beneath them.
(This post is a companion to “Connecting the Dots: Worksheet 5b.” Here is the link
Many of us are outwardly reactive. We may be aggressive, controlling, critical, or blame everyone ).and everything for our frustrations and feelings of disempowerment. We may be needy and expect others to answer our every emotional whim.
And we often get angry at those around us for not getting down in the muck and joining us in our misery and reacting to our neediness or hissy-fits!
Negative and inappropriate reactions are just the surfacing of past emotions: hurts, conflicts, or confusions about love that were never addressed or answered. These caused emotional turmoil within us, and until addressed they show up one way or another in our attitudes and behaviors and how we approach life.
This article/blog post is an excerpt from my Book 1 of my new ‘Our Journeys to Peace’ Series
“Why We Are the Way We Are”
See here for About Book and purchase info.
(Available from Amazon in print and e-book)
Confusion About Love
The lack of love or the confusion about love we may have experienced when growing up is what keeps us from creating healthy relationships. (I further discuss relationships in book 3 of the series, Relationships in an Evolving World. (Links are below).
If we have not been shown love, or have received conflicting messages about love, we will be confused about love.
For example, a child whose parent professes God’s love for them but the parent doesn’t show the child love will become hurt and frustrated from the lack of love in their life and feel conflicted about love. If the child is urged to love his or her neighbor but the parent does not do so, the child will become confused about the meaning of love.
Deep within us, we have a memory of unconditional love — which we all still long for, and this combined with the lack of love or any conflicting messages about love keep us confused about love — how to give it and how to let it in.
Confusion about love — what unconditional love is,
how to give it — and how to receive it,
is why our relationships are so difficult.
It takes a bit of self-examination and quiet time in honest reflection to begin to first understand and then connect the dots to, our unaddressed emotional world that causes our reactions and frustrations, and to unravel it all.
Connecting the dots helps us recognize why we are bringing past hurts and confusions to present situations. Making this connection helps us to consciously overcome any negative, habitual propensities. It helps us choose differently.
We now know that if we want to overcome our habitual thought-processes we need to consciously choose our thoughts and attitudes It is the same for our reactions.
Our thought-processes come from our mind, which often runs amuck. If we have unhealed emotional pain we are working under the guise of unconscious influences, which cause our emotions to run amuck.
In the same way we have to consciously train the mind to override negative programming, we also have to become aware of how our habitual emotional are luring us to react and start to shift from anger, blame, neediness, etc. to taking responsibility for attitudes and reactions – and ultimately for our peace and happiness.
The influence of negative factors needs to be released if we want to be the creator of our life experiences rather than being at the effect of our unconscious influences.
Until we override these influences we will automatically react to situations, as our internal tensions from the buried emotions and conflicts within us need an outlet. I call our automatic reactionary or non-reactionary state our Default Position.
Our Default Position
Our Default Position: The reactionary, non-reactionary, or responsive way we deal with others and situations. Our approach is either aggressive, passive, or neutral. Whether negative or positive our Default Position plays out in all our communications with others. It can waver depending on our mood or stress level at that moment.
Next week, I will further discuss “Our Default Position.” To access, Follow my Facebook page or sign up for my free monthly newsletter. Bot links are below.
© Rosemary McCarthy June 2019, updated October 2019
Here is link to companion post ” Connecting the Dots: Worksheet 5b.”
See here for About Book 1 of the series, “Why We Are the Way We Are”
here for Book 2, Becoming Our Best Self – – due out December 2019
here for About Book 3, Relationships in an Evolving World – due out Winter 2019/20.
here for About my 1st book, “Your Journey to Peace, Bridging the Gap Between Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and Science.”
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