The hurts or conflicts that arise in our relationships are mostly due to unconscious influences that run our lives. I say mostly, because for some, conflicts within our relationships are due to a mismatch, or it has served its purpose and we are meant to take our cues and move on.
For others, conflicts arise because the relationship needs to shift and change to meet new circumstances, or one of the individuals is making life-altering changes that affects the relationship.
When we do not heed the signals and make the necessary adjustments, compromises, do a bit or self-reflection, or seek help for a relationship that is in throws of changes, the hurts and conflicts will continue and worsen and both parties suffer unnecessarily.
Sometimes a relationship even ends that could be saved and a family kept intact because of the inability of one or both or parties to face his or her part of its breakdown. Except for when the relationship has played out and is intended to end, we are meant to work through our hurts and conflicts with those in our lives.
One of the higher purposes of relationships, whether it be with a life-partner, a sibling, a parent-child or child-parent bond, an extended family member, a friend, or even a long-term working partnership, is for the unconscious influences of both parties to the surface – for healing.
And except for the rare occasion where one party feels empowered in life and is the “light-holder” and stabilizer to the other as they work through a huge misalignment from their power base and feel and act within the confines of disempowerment, both in the relationship are usually misaligned to the same degree. These misalignments would not necessarily show up in the same way, but the degree of misalignment would be similar.
Feeling empowered in life comes from being connected to our power base, which comes from a strong connection to our True Self – of “us-to-us.” (True Self is defined below, and I used the term as synonymous with Source energy, Spirit, higher Self, God, etc.).
This connection gives us our confidence allowing us to reach for what we want in life, while doing so with integrity. We are able to become our Best Self.
When this connection is strong, we don’t allow people to push their neediness onto us, take advantage of us, or emotionally manipulate us. Nor do we get unnecessarily involved in their dramas.
When we feel disempowered in life we are disconnected from our power base and our connection to our True Self – of “us-to-us” is weak.
This lack of connection breeds low self-confidence and we have trouble reaching for or achieving what we want in life and what makes us happy.
Having a low confidence level, we may be indecisive, lack the courage to take risks and make things happen, and we may even undermine our efforts by making bad choices or backing away from opportunities.
We often feel at the beck and call of others and circumstances. This all frustrates us, makes us lash out at those around us, which further distances us from our True Self.
As we take things personally, we often feel hurt by others’ words, actions, or inactions. We then either blame them for our unhappiness creating conflict in the relationship, or we internalize the feelings creating more inner-turmoil.
We all navigate life differently, and differences are a natural and healthy part of normal relationships. Hurts and conflicts arise because we can’t accept the other’s different ways of going about life and/or respect their differing opinions.
The expectations we bring into our relationship also have a major impact on whether our relationship with be harmonious or filled with chaos.
When our connection to our True Self is strong we can easily deal with the different way the other approaches life and our expectations from the relationship are reasonable and above-board.
However, when our connection to our True Self is weak and the other’s personality or way of dealing with life is different than ours we often internalize this as an affront, and conflicts ensue.
Attempting to make up for the weak connection to our True Self we also bring unconscious expectations into our relationships assuming the other will fill that void. When they don’t, we feel hurt, disappointed, and become disillusioned with the relationship.
These negative and unrealistic ways of dealing with others (and situations) come from unconscious influences we created at some point in our lives that play out in our attitudes and behaviors.
These unconscious influences affect our connection to our True Self. Our attitudes and behaviors develop in response to how we experienced or perceived life from within our familial and cultural backgrounds – with our internalizing of these experiences highly influenced by our innate personalities.
This is why people brought up in the same household can be so different in their outlook and approach to life. If the influences we internalized instilled confidence, hope, positivity, autonomy, and lightness into our being, our connection to our True Self would remain strong.
However, if we unknowingly allowed these influences to cause us to become negative, pessimistic, or needy, to have low-self esteem or feel that life is heavy and a struggle, our connection to our True Self becomes weakened.
When we internalized our past influences as generally positive, we are able to navigate life without much difficulty or conflict. We can attain what we want in life because we feel empowered, as the connection to our power-base has remained strong.
When our past influences cause us to view and respond to life negatively, we may act in counterproductive ways that undermine our efforts and that create conflict with others. This makes our life seem difficult and what we want in life hard to achieve because we feel disempowered: our connection is weak.
This disconnect creates a cavern between “us and us” as our power-base lies in our connection to our True Self. It is where we find the strength and integrity to become our Best Self, and the fortitude to keep it.
Below are some of the developed attitudes and behaviors that keep us disconnected from our power-base and True Self making life seem difficult and keeping us in conflict with others:
We often bring our emotional neediness into our relationships, but are unaware that we are expecting our partner, child, parent, or friend to answer those needs. When they do not, we are hurt, become upset, and conflict often ensues.
Our need may be personal: to feel loved, appreciated, validated, or served hand and foot. They may be more general: to become wealthy, powerful, famous, achieve a great success, or have a big happy family.
It is not that these desires always bring negative results to our life or relationships, as having goals and desires can be a good thing, but when they come from an unconscious need to fill a void or fulfill and unmet past need, they hold an insatiable element.
We become self-centered as this need is most often at the forefront of our thoughts and actions and it takes precedence over any consideration for the desires or needs of those around us.
We also become defensive of our efforts to fulfill our perceived need, and blind to another’s attempts to compromise or work with us toward a favorable outcome for both. We are difficult to deal with and conflict in the relationship is inevitable.
We all have a Default Position: it can be Neutral, Reactionary, or Passive. (Definition of Default Position below)
Neutral responses come from feeling empowered. When we respond to others or situations neutrally, we respond to the matter at hand, do so calmly, and without a need to defend our positions.
We do not react emotionally because we do not bring in issues from the past, nor thoughts or fears of the future – which all hold an emotional component.
We can still disagree and say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done, but we do so respectfully, and with honesty and integrity. We come from a place of confidence and empowerment – of gentle strength, not weakness and aggressiveness.
Our connection to our power-base and True Self is strong so we are emotionally balanced, therefore we don’t feel the need to address how others act, or respond to what they say or do aggressively, because we don’t take things personally. And we are strong in our own convictions, so we don’t have the need to defend our positions.
When we react to others or situations aggressively, are defensive, or throw blame around, we are projecting our hurts, disappointments, or expectations upon the other or the situation.
We feel that what they said or did was an affront to us. We might perceive someone voicing an opinion as them criticizing us, when they are simply conveying how they feel about something.
When someone cuts us off in traffic we may feel they are doing it to us, whereas the other person is simply attempting to get to where they need to go, albeit in an inappropriate way.
Others’ attitudes or actions are no reflection on us, and allowing them to disturb us or cause us to react strongly is counterproductive to our peace of mind.
When a loved one is late or misses a date we had made together and we are hurt and feel they do not love or appreciate us we are taking it personally – when it likely had nothing to do with us. They may have simply been extra busy at work, been unavoidably delayed, or had a lot on their mind and forgot.
Passive responses come from feeling disempowered. Although passive responses may appear to be neutral, as there are no blatant outward signs, they are very different because passive responses hold an emotional component – just like aggressive ones.
Sometimes the hurts, feelings, disappointments, or perceived injustices are not voiced at all, while at other times they are, but are tinged with so much emotion and/or neediness that the other individual turns a blind ear.
In both cases, we are not heard. Either way, the emotions are internalized affecting both the individual and the relationship. These internalizations harm us because buried emotions add another layer to the cavern between “us and us,” and our connection to our True Self is further weakened.
Passive responses harm the relationship because as our true feelings are not voiced (or heard) we have not addressed the hurt or disappointment we feel, and we remain inwardly angry towards the other for not understanding or taking into consideration our feelings, or seeing our viewpoint.
And if we are do try to make our self heard but are ineffective, before we approach the subject again, reflecting on our approach last time and possibly adjusting it could help getting heard this time.
We can ask ourselves:
- Are we being needy – only thinking about our needs and perspective?
- Are we negative – only focusing on what is wrong?
- Are we overly emotional – crying at any perceived slight or criticism?
Could we be acting passive aggressively – signing or putting on a sad face rather than sharing our thoughts or feelings?
Whether we elect these attitudes because we don’t like to speak our mind, are unable to articulate or feel embarrassed by what we feel, or are simply trying to keep the peace against an aggressive person, passive attitudes do not bring long term solutions.
Not only is the issue not addressed or resolved, but the approach may even backfire, as buried feelings come out – one way or another – and may one day cause a major blow-up from where there is not turning back.
Passive responses create and increase the cavern between “us-and-another,” because until we address and resolve the issue with them that caused the feelings we buried, each future interaction is tainted. Hurts remain at the forefront of our emotions and any new or positive communication has to work hard to get through them.
We can certainly live happy and fulfilling lives without being completely in touch with our True Self, are enlightened, or fully aligned to Source. In fact, most of us do.
Very few of us are completely connected, so most of us are somewhat misaligned, and these show up in many ways and in many degrees. This is why some hurt and conflict exists in most relationships.
Nonetheless, if we navigate the conflicts that arise with compromise and compassion, keep our disparaging emotions at bay, forgive how the other’s misalignments show up, and accept their idiosyncrasies, we can easily live a harmonious life.
It helps to be aware of our unconscious influences, or at least make peace with how our misalignments show up, otherwise there will always be the cavern between “us-and-us” as we are not living close enough to our core – we are living superficially, with no connection to the truth of who we are.
This causes us to relate superficially to others. A cavern will always exist between “us-and-others” until we close that gap between “us-and-us.”
True Self: The truth or memory of who you really are—free of any unconscious influences. (chapter 1)
Best Self: We are our Best Self when we are aligned with our True Self. This manifests as happiness, acceptance of life and our circumstances, and connection to that part of our self that feels empowered, confident, assured, loving, giving, and emotionally healthy. (chapter 1)
Our Default Position: The reactionary, nonreactionary, or responsive way of dealing with others or situations. We respond with either aggression, passivity, or neutrality. (chapter 1).
This article/blog post is based on my book, Your Journey to Peace … Book Synopsis is found here.
– © Rosemary McCarthy, March, 2017, updated January 2018
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Below is a peek into more in the book:
Improving our attitudes helps change the world, as every shift in attitude affects the vibration of the Planet as a whole. (Introduction).What Is Held in Our Minds Is Reflected onto the World Stage. (Chapter 1, Why We Are the Way We Are)
Our capacity to love others is in direct relationship to how much we love ourselves. (Chapter 3, What We Can Do About It).
Our Relationships Are Pre-set Soul Contracts: The highest purpose of our relationships is to work out our unconscious influences: our fears, neediness, vulnerabilities, misperceptions, and false notions about love. They are set up to bring these misalignments from our True Self to the surface – for healing. This is why we find our close relationships so difficult. (Chapter 5, Relationships)
We are not exercising true free will if we live under the tutelage of unconscious influences. (Chapter 6, Words, Symbols, Rituals, Concepts, Prayers).
We can reconcile our apparent relationship with extra-terrestrials with our belief systems. (Chapter 7, Science).
Our planet is a living, breathing organism … and just like us she has to cleanse herself of toxins – the physical and emotional toxins we have put upon her. (Chapter 9, The Planet and Abundance).
At levels beyond our awareness we chose to be here at this time of ‘The Shift’ to help bring about our and Gais’s Ascensions. (Chapter 10, Ascension).
Copyright © 2017 by Rosemary McCarthy. All rights Reserved. To copy, share, or distribute this article simply ensure the content is copied in its entirety, is unaltered, and is distributed freely and for no monetary or personal gain, and that this copyright notice and the link for the article and the website www.yourjourneytopeace.com are included. You can contact me at: firstname.lastname@example.org. Blessings, and thank you kindly.